RyE On The Life and Times: Fact or Fiction

Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around. ~Frank A. Clark

What do you want to believe? To paraphrase Dolly Madison...one of the proudest things to me is to never desire someone else's business. I just happen to somehow always be in the thick of things. So why do you want to know about all that nonsense? It's all just rumors...

I just want to address these issues so we can move on.

Fine. Start over...what do you want to know.

Well you have been having a rough year haven't you.

Is that a question or a statement?

Alright alright fine.  Yes. 2010 hasn't exactly gone the way I anticipated it to be. 2009 was a rough year but 2010 was tough. I expected to be better in 2010 but it seemed like 2009's karma just spilled over.  It started out promising. I thought my health would sustain, I would get a new job and the girl that I never knew but was always there would be the answer to everything I looked for in a woman. Instead my health got worse...my job situation didn't work out the way I planned it...that's another conversation...and the girl....nothing happened.

That would explain your hospital visits this year.

Yea check my bills...I'm living that American Dream...overpriced health care and in debt. It's fucking fantastic.


Well it got pretty serious for you didn't it...

I had some family issues I was dealing with, I hated my job, and the girl I put all my trust in didn't feel the same way for me. I think all of that triggered things. Then I didn't get better. I got worse. And I was put on more medication. This lasted from March till the of June. For four months I tried to live like nothing was bothering me but I was slowly slowly dying.

I'll never forget the day I was supposed to be on a plane to Buffalo to be a Godfather for the fourth time. And not being able to get off the couch because I had lost so much blood. But if it wasn't for that kid I would probably be dead right now. I somehow mustered the strength to get there and actually stand through the whole baptism.

Came home and went straight to the hospital. They say for my condition it's best not to stress. Well when you see yourself bleeding out you tell me how you don't stress. And when your doctors don't know how to help you...you tell me where you find answers to.

So that's what lead you to seclusion and to your depression....

I think your jumping to conclusions. I secluded myself because I couldn't be around people. I was sick and I didn't want any of their help or their sympathy and most of all I didn't want them to worry about me. Depression can be mental but in my case it was a lack of chemicals in my system due to the loss of blood. I'm not going to sit here and say that I wasn't also going through enough bad shit all at one time for me to just lose all the positive attitude I had but I think it was more chemically driven.

Then something odd happened. When I was in the hospital in May I got a job offer that I went on an interview back early in April. Whatever type of depressed state I was in somehow got lifted a bit. The new drugs seemed to be working and I felt like I was back on the road to recovery.

However June was probably the worst of all the months correct?

Yes. I started a new job but my health did not recoup fully. The drugs did help but did not help me get over the hump. I don't normally even like taking drugs but now that I'm on them to live a "normal" life I guess it made me start to do things uncharacteristic. I started self medicating myself. I was also getting blood transfusions every weekend while I would work the week. I was too afraid to lose this job that I just got because I was afraid of going back to the job I hated. I needed to succeed. Failure was not an option for me. The problem was I started having real bad cases of insomnia. Granted my hours of sleeping were off since late Jan early Feb of the year but I was going through almost 48 hrs with only 1-2 hrs of sleep. Again I was worried about not having a good situation with my job so I started taking sleeping pills. And they worked wonders. Only problem was that I had to get up so early for my new job since the commute was farther and so I couldn't take these pills as much as I wanted to.

Again not having anyone to talk to I figured I just needed to control my health and I wouldn't be so stressed. So I started upping my dosage to know ones knowledge. I mixed too many pills together and actually ended up passing out on the way home from work.


At any point did you think that this was it?

......

Yes

It seems silly but the heart is a powerful thing. Not only did I lose the girl but I lost my most trusted individual in my life. And that whole time I was sick I felt she wasn't there for me. And while I went down she lived her life. And no one knew about us so there was nothing for me to tell anyone. Factor in I secluded myself from all my friends for not having the energy or strength to want to explain myself to them and the "depressed" state I was in. I knew what I was doing when I started to over prescribe my pills. But at the same time...I didn't really care. I looked at it like well...if I die I die. Best case scenario is the drugs will make me better. And they actually did. Even though it wasn't properly ordered this way I was able to work and stay "healthy" enough to get through the week without anyone knowing. But as my body adjusted so did my dosage. When the meds worked I felt normal but as soon as they wore off it felt like my insides were dying. And so I had to continue to overcompensate for it till everything faded to black.

It was the first time in my life that I was fine with just not caring enough to want to live. I wanted to be selfish. Deep down I wanted to die. I didn't care about the people I would leave. I didn't care about my family or friends. I just wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to live my life this way.


But that didn't happen. So what made you turn things around?

To be continued.

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RyE On The Life & Times

When people describe this young man he is often described as a man of few words but with an open heart. His actions generally do the talking and his ability to show his honesty through his body of work has always shined. On the brink of success has been the tidal wave in which he always rode on. Pushing forward without looking back and through it all no one ever saw the dark holes and deprived attention he admittedly felt he should have had.

A somewhat volatile year(s) for a man struggling with inner peace and enough war inside of him to send him to the deep end. Now through all the trials and tribulations he is setting forth to reclaim a life he not only wants but he rightfully deserves.

Your a bit of a conundrum if I must say so myself. You tend to say your this or that and then go out and speak out against the very thing you claim you are. What is that?

Ha. Way to get this started. Yea I know that sounds like I'm a hypocrite. And honestly I'll admit I am. I like to speak my mind. I speak my mind better when I remove myself from the situation as opposed to being in the situation. It gives me a better sense of clarity. So often what I do for myself is not always the best thing for everyone else. I only know how to live my life the way I see it. And I don't know how to tell someone else to live theirs. I get paranoid at the responsibility of always living up to everyone's expectations. To be the best whatever...son, brother, cousin, friend, lover, employee, role model, its a trip to play all those parts to a tee! So when I do things I only know that I do it for me and hope it works but when someone asks for my opinion or looks to me like I'm a role model I'm like whoa whoa whoa. Hold up....lets not put me on any type of hot shit pedestal.

And speaking your mind...well that hasn't always been a good or necessarily a bad thing has it?

Not at all. Look I know I'm a calculated motherfucker. The shit I'm saying now is calculated but I am being honest as well. It's up to you to decide on what you want to take from this. When I say how I feel I say it because I'm passionate about it. But I also know that sometimes people aren't always going to agree with me and that's ok. I honestly don't care if 98% of the world says I'm an asshole because of what I say. I got a solid 2% of people that know I've been eating humble pie all my life and that trumps the rest of the world.

So then tell me why do you get so upset about all those people who are always "speaking their mind and keeping it real"

That keeping it real phrase is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I seriously think its a cop out phrase that allows idiots and too quick tounged individuals to just say whatever the fuck they want and stamp it with a "I'm just keeping it real" as to justify their words. I told you I'm a calculated individual. Words have a lot of meaning. America is built on the freedom of speech but we are probably one of the strictest nations in censorship compared to other countries. And the problem is people just like to talk with no sense of responsibility. They say shit without thinking about the consequences of their words. Look at the tragedies in the last several years with bullying and hate. People go out and just kill themselves or harm others and its fucked up. But that's the big picture. That shit needs to stop without a doubt. I think what you are trying to get at are the people that I surround myself in. Well yea those fuckers just love to talk for the sake of talking. I don't get into it so I just ignore their lame ass. But I will say this...there's a difference between "keeping it real" and being two seconds shy of a slap across your face.

You have a history of anger management issues correct.

Did I not just threaten someone? Ha. Yes. Yes I do.

Want to expand more on it?

Not really. Only because I don't know why I have them.

You mentioned that it is the one aspect about yourself that terrifies you the most.

Sure it does. Because I have no control over it. First and foremost let me just say I have never ever ever ever hit a woman. My anger issues are internal. The way they manifest goes back to what I said earlier about words. That's why I'm calculated. Because I have a very difficult time holding back on how I feel. And I've hurt a lot of people in my life through my words. Sometimes the words did translate into physical violence. I would get into fights, punch back, start shit and that's when people started to say "hey man you need to take control of this." I was a reckless kid. Growing up I was always the small dude in the class so maybe I had this complex where I felt the need to prove something of myself to the others because I wasn't as tall or built like them.

And so you went through anger management..

Twice. Once in high school because I was going through dumbass shit over a girl ha. And again in college due to a misdemeanor. But did that... and my record is as clean as a whistle!

Yet you still struggle with that concept.

I struggle with control. Control is a dangerous feeling. It's almost an addiction. I grew up with no control. Over my health, over my decisions and over everyone in my family because I was one of the youngest ones. Then one day I got control over my health. I started being self reliant and it felt like for the first time I was alive. It changed everything for me. I started to associate control with living. So long as I had control I was living the life I wanted and that's all that mattered. Problem was that I can't control everything in life. And it's only recently now that I've come to learn that and make necessary changes in order to live a better life.

And that brings us to where you are today. It seems like in the last three years you haven't been in control. You have had multiple hospital stints, rare public outbursts, seclusion, hidden affairs, insomnia, a possible medication dependency and even rumors of a depression.


To be continued.

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