RyE On Leaving it in God's Hands

Everybody made it through the rapture? Yes? No? Maybe? Well...for better or for worse I'm still here and so if these are the last few months I'm going to rock it out till the wheels fall off. Funny actually that this whole rapture nonsense came into place because I was actually thinking of spewing my thoughts on certain things that I've been somewhat of a loss for.

If you haven't learned by now I'm a planner. I'm an organized type A personality planner. That means I like to know what I'm doing, when I'm doing it, and managing my time efficiently. I find it irritating, get frustrated, find it annoying,  hate, DESPISE indecisiveness and indecisive people. They really irk me and make it unbearable for me to ever want to do anything with them. The only problem is I have a lot of friends and family who fall in that category. It's whatever. I've been dealing with things like this my whole life and really I don't see this changing. We are who we are.

Another thing I can't wrap my brain around is my inability to just let go. You know when your younger and your mom or dad tell you not to touch the stove because its hot? I mean clearly you see the flames...you know that heat = pain yet there's still that burning desire to want to touch it? What? No? Only me? (damn) Well anyway....sometimes I know my brain is right. That certain things are better left unsaid, and things are better left alone, and I shouldn't keep doing certain things yet my heart, my soul, and everything about me says "fuck it" and does it anyway. (see What's the Story Morning Glory?) I'm an emotionally vested individual. I just go on what I feel even if it's against my better judgment. And sometimes in the end it probably will hurt even more not listening to my brain but I can't stop it.

So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that for as much of a planner as I'd like to be...for as smart as I know I am...I still have to leave a few things to a higher power. God, Buddah, Allah, Yoda...whomever it may be I'm leaving the bigger things in my life up to (in my case) God. I stress out too much when I over think. And I stress out when things don't go a particular way that I had hoped or imagined it to go. It leaves me bitter, angry, and down right nasty at times. So while I may not like planning with you indecisive people, and while I know I probably shouldn't be doing the things I'm doing, or saying the things I'm saying with you folks, whatever happens as a result of all that? I'm leaving in God's hands.

God I hope I'm right

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RyE On 5 Things I Rock Daily

 My White Girl...Lindsay Lohan

 Time Piece & Karma Beads

 My Angel...given to me by my Angel

Gotta stay moist ;)

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RyE On What's The Story Morning Glory?

I'm writing this after a long day that followed a long week...that followed an even longer three weeks combined. I've been at the lowest of my lows and brought back to the highest of highs only to come back straight to the middle not knowing whether I should look up or down.

It's been crazy to say the least and I wish I could fully state all the things that's in my head accurately but I know I just can't. I'll probably ramble and make NO sense of what I'm trying to say.

So in no particular order I'm just going to try and say what is on my mind these last few weeks....

1. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I'm sorry that I left and ignored you. I'm sorry that we ever went through what I feel is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm sorry for putting you through this. And isn't it crazy that in a week it all seemed like a lifetime ago.....
2. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to escape my past. Old faces always seem to pop up. Some welcoming... others with trepidation. And then I think to myself when the last time I saw them and it has been years. Who I was when I last saw them I don't even recognize. And I wonder why am I so afraid to want to reconnect? What is it that bothers me to try and stay away from them..
3. I have come to the conclusion that I am one emotional head case. There was a time when you couldn't ever tell my emotions...well you probably could but I would never admit it. But in the last few years and especially in the last few months I've come to realize that I'm really sappy lol. I'm a cornball and get all emotional over the dumbest things. For example it was Mothers day and I spent it of course with my mother and her sisters (who are all mothers) and my Lola...the matriarch of all of them and I just broke down. I teared up watching my family and had to excuse myself.  I love my family. If there is one thing you should know about me is that they mean every.thing.to.me. And I will do anything for them. Which leads me to my next point....
4. I don't always reflect so much on what I want so much so that I tend to forget the things that I truly want out of life. I get wrapped up in making sure everyone else is happy and working towards what they want I lose my own goals. And then it was said to me...or written rather to me... and I realized that damn how have I not seen what was always in front of me. It may not be the hip thing to say or even some macho bravado thing to say but I could care less. I want a family of my own. I want a wife who will share my world with me. Who will be there for me through thick and thin and be the force behind me to want to be a better man. And I want to be the same for her. I want to start a family and have kids. I am a Tito, a Ninong and a Kuya but I want so badly to be a Father. And I know that someday I will but I wish I could just believe it now...
5. Call me stubborn but I find it funny how in time the things you once stood so adamantly for and against you realize it doesn't always last. Maybe it's my new role but coming into the business I have always been one to say I will never be close with the people I work with. To me it just didn't matter. I always felt like I have my core friends and that's cool. I'll be friendly with people from work but I could never allow them in. Fast forward almost 6 years later and I'm all about the peeps I work with. I mean I legit care about each and every one of them. I look out for them and want to make sure both professionally and personally that they are okay. I don't feel all that much older to them but they make me feel like a big brother to them. Affectionately they call me out as a "Daddy" and its crazy because that is the nickname I get from other groups of friends...
6. I guess you can't escape being who you are. I'm proud to be consistent and at least be honest and true to myself. It shows because no matter the groups of individuals I come across they treat me with respect and genuine feelings for me...
7. However I feel for those who are still trying to find themselves. Not that I fully know who I am yet...but I think that whoever I feel or state that I am... I stand by it with conviction and a purity to it. I don't think your ever too young or old to say you know 100% who you are. It's an ever constant evolution. The values of yourself may not change but they certainly will adapt and mature over time....
8. And so I worry about two of my best friends. One I worry about despite his inability to be honest with me. Despite his lack of concern for others than himself I still care about the kid. I wish he could find himself but only he can do that on his own. The other I worry about his insecurities. He's the type who has the world at his hands but doesn't believe in himself enough to seize it. I want the best for them....
9. Fast Five = Awesome; Thor = ehhhh........
10. I just really wanted to make it to ten :)

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RyE On Define

It's been sometime since I was able to put thoughts onto paper computer screen (?). Been rather busy lately with traveling to Miami to visit my cousin Kaity and enjoy the South Beach lifestyle. I had an amazing time down there and really took it all in. My cousin proposed that I go and buy a piece of property in the 305 and I am seriously considering it.

A moment happened while I was on the beach soaking in the 88 degree weather and sun filled day while knowing my life back home in NYC was a cold rainy below 55 degrees was going on: "I would trade my life to start over again..."

It was a moment...a brief moment and it passed. But it's a moment I always think about. If I could change one aspect it would be to start over..somewhere I don't have any ties to and where no one knows me. I've only had 4 years in my 27 years of existence that I did not live in NYC. And those four years I was so young and naive that all I thought about those 4 years were "I can't wait to finish this and start my life back home." I've defined myself as a true and through New Yorker. A thoroughbred Queens kid with the heart of the city beating through every part of my body.

And what does that mean? I don't really know if I can put it into words. The melting pot culture kept me aware of diversity. The drive to succeed mentality and the always on the go gear was normal. The ability to be you and say Fuck You to anyone or anything that ever said you can't be you felt accepted. I guess that all stems from being a product of my environment. And I do it so naturally. If it weren't for the people in my life who didn't grow up here or with me I wouldn't even know there was this aspect to me. To all the people I grew up with or who have this NY swag we are all one in the same in our own right. Similarly breathing and exercising those same attributes.

In the last 4 years, my life has been in constant flux with ups and downs. I used to prioritize my identity as New Yorker first and Filipino-American second. What that embodies is I am proud; brave; passionate; stubborn; aggressive; fighter; unwavering; resilient; defiant; unforgiving for who I am and what I stand for. Some of those things can be mistaken or accurately represented (depending on how you want to look at it) as cocky; arrogant; obnoxious; and an all around asshole (My alliteration skills are ill). And however way you want to take it there are aspects of me that I'm not going to shy away from; some aspects I wish I didn't have; some I need to work on; and some I wish I had more of.

Prior to college life was very simple and straight forward. I was who I was and never saw the need to change or adapt. The people in my life were like me so we naturally just fed off each other. The culture of hip hop and the rebellious youth driven message to go against the fabric of what is considered "vogue" or "right" or "successful" only furthered my stance. Now granted that may not be the best model to mold yourself into but it is what it is. And so for 23 years I was this hot head kid who couldn't and wouldn't change for anything.

When life decided to throw a monkey wrench in the plans that forced change in my life I've been doing everything to change aspects of my life that I don't even know who I am anymore. All the things that were so simple and straightforward is all cloudy. Trying to maintain who I've always believed myself to be and balancing it out with these changes have been such a mental burn on me.

Recently I got into a bit of trouble at work because I apparently "took it to the streets." And gosh darnit did you know that in Corporate America there are no streets?!?! Yea I know...blew my mind too! ::wink::

And for reasons I don't feel like reiterating on this piece the basic conclusion was that I was wrong and punished for my wrongs. In my eyes though? I felt I was right and that balance between who I am and change resurfaced again. Oh such is the life and times.... No such thing as balance, its one way or no way. So damn it I just want to start over and be me somewhere else...till it's time to come back home. :)


"Its not what I am called that should define who I am. It's who I am that should define what I am called"

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RyE On Premature Retire and Other random thoughts

I apologize for the premature retire post when I said I was going to take my talents to Tumblr. Honestly I think it has a better set up but for someone who has zero writing skills (thats meee) and who goes through serious dry spells with my blogs I found it to be way too easy to just "reblog" or post a video/photo up.

I couldn't quite get any writing down or off my chest with all those distractions. But like any great talent...you should always be ready for a come back! So let me blow the dust off my finger tips...tap into the good ol noggin and just free flow.

SXSW has just wrapped and reading reviews and asking a friend of mine who attended I was more curious about what he heard that hasn't gone mainstream yet. Anyone who knows me knows that I love music. I'm not going to claim I'm a music head and know all these great "underground unknown talents" or my opinion on music is superior than yours. No, I like all types of music from mainstream to underground and I believe everyone has a right to be passionate about how they feel about the art.

I won't knock people for what they believe in but what I do have issues with are people who claim that an artist who is so pure and has raw talent when they are unsigned and underground no longer have that talent when they cross over to the main stream. How does one lose that talent just because more people are tuning in? Does the "art" suffer because it is now accessible to a wider audience and therefore caters to far less understanding of what talent it? Are you saying that once you cross over you have to sacrifice truth and dumb your talents down so others can relate?

maybe.

I can understand that point of view but what I can't understand is how you turn your back on the artist you have supported while they were "starving." As any fan I'd imagine you would want the best for whoever you are idolizing no matter how far it takes them. And as fans we need to be honest to ourselves as well. Music is personal. I don't care how you slice it. One line, one rip chord, one bridge that carries over and takes you to that next level you can't help but feel intoxicated with it. Or perhaps it's the lyrical combination of words that says "I get you" and "this song is about me." Music has the ability to tug at our hearts and is a form of art that can take you really high or really low.

Perhaps we just feel too personally vested in artists when they are unknown because we feel we knew them before the fame. We were there struggling with them. And after going to all the bars, and local town band battles, open mics, and street parties you realize they are the same as you. You can relate. But the minute they sign...all of a sudden things change. And now the secret talent you always knew is exposed and no longer a secret. The everyday common man/woman you related to is now a superstar and you can't relate.

Whatever the cause, and whatever the reason, don't abandon your fan membership just because they crossed over to the dark side. Because at the end of the day...if it wasn't for people like you...they? Wouldn't have made it. So enjoy the ride!

[Side bar: As a Hip Hop Head...I'm really tired of people saying "{insert rappers name} is REAL hip hop"...What is REAL and what is not REAL is all subjective. Maybe you should look up your history on hip hop and realize that the essence of hip hop was driven out of cultural and rebellion towards the norm. For one to claim so and so is REAL hip hop should know that Hip Hop is DIVERSE. Quit trying to hate on other people's love of their HIP HOP!]

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RyE On What Fuels You?

I admit I like people who walk around with a chip on their shoulder. Right, wrong, or indifferent on what that chip is I appreciate what it brings out of that individual. Most of my life I've been told that very phrase. And most often I would deny it. As I get older and reflect back on the things that fueled me it has become almost obnoxiously clear that I did in fact walk around with a big ass chip.

I can't say I had a bad childhood. I was never denied anything. I never felt that I ever had to struggle for money or food. I lived a really well rounded childhood. Now where this chip came from I don't know. Napoleon complex? Maybe. I was the shortest boy in my class and had to deal with stupid medical issues that made everyone around me baby me and treat me "with care."

As I got older it moved to doubting what  he can accomplish. Always being surrounded by my older cousins I always had someone watching my back. Nothing I ever did was fully mine. All my accomplishments and friendships I made seemed to be driven on the fact I had a family lineage of popularity and success before me.  And lucky me...I must have just gotten some left overs.

Each stage of my life I've felt the need to prove myself in one facet or another. When I first started my career this supposed chip was so big I walked into my first job out of college like I own this place. Almost as if the job was beneath me. I moved up  quickly and moved onto the next phase of my career. And building my reputation and name all over again was a new challenge with new obstacles.

I look back on all these particular times of my life and I sit and reflect on where it has gotten me today. And I can say with a clear and unbiased mind that for everyone who ever doubted me, anyone who ever thought I wasn't good enough, and anyone who ever thought that I was nothing more than a hot shot kid on the come up: I hate you all. I took that ball of hatred and channeled it as fuel to my success. Every stumble and every fall I took I know put smiles on your faces. It only made me want to get up that much quicker and hit you back that much harder.

See when I say I hate you I'm not sugarcoating this like "ooooh I hate you man!" Nah I legit have this evil resentful hatred towards everyone who couldn't see me for the man I am. Judge me? Tell me I don't measure up? Too blinded to see what I have to offer? Doubt that I can ever be a man, who is successful in this world, on his own two feet? To hell with all of you.

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RyE On Goodbyes

Goodbye Blogger - Hello Tumblr

http://ryeblogs.tumblr.com/

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