With the tragic events in Haiti and the most recent events in Chile (my prayers still go out to all my Haitian and Chilean friends and their families) it seems like a lot of people are in need of help.
Recently I had a pretty bad family emergency. I was shell shocked and I knew the severity of what could be. I was tasked to notify the rest of the family. At the same time I had some immediate family issues that also needed to be addressed. I didn't really think much of anything except to do one task at a time. So as I started to notify my family, I realized I needed to step away from all this.
I called the one that is always there to listen to me when I need to vent. We got some lunch and as I am telling her everything I start to feel this overwhelming cloud start to hover over me. We went back to her place and as I sat on her couch and day light turned to night I just broke down. I haven't broken down like that in Lord knows how long. Recent events along with things from when I was 5 came back and it just wouldn't stop. A side of me jumped out of my body and wanted to slap me and shake me to keep it together. But it didn't happen. I was an emotional wreck and everything just wanted to come out. It was as if my body needed an emotional cleansing.
So just like everyone else, and I hardly ever say this but, I too was in need of help. Call it "walls" or "defense mechanisms" but I just never wanted to ask for help. When I was younger I was what you call a "sickly" kid. Had allergies to everything and asthma. (Editors note: add in the fact that I was like 89 lbs soaking wet and big 4 eyed glasses and it made the nerd cypher complete)
During that time I was always looked at as "weak" and in need of assistance from others. I took daily pills and took my nebulizer three times a day. It didn't really bother me at the time although I saw a world out there I was missing being couped up in the house.
Time went on and I overcame or outgrew these allergies and the asthma subsided with my involvement in sports. Suddenly I became "normal" and no longer felt this burden of weakness that has shadowed me in my childhood. I was close to being a teenager and had my first girlfriend, and started doing all types of sports. I sought out various little jobs that could get me money because what I saw around me was that if you got the girls, could play ball, and have money well...you were the shit.
And with all that I felt empowered! At the same time I vowed to never go back to being that sickly kid before. I made my mind think that medicine, and asking for help was considered weak.
Time would go on and this point I felt like the rock to all my friends and family. You had a problem? I had a solution for it or at least offered an ear to listen. You needed money? I got you. If you needed anything....I was there. Looking back this is the part where I realized I was creating a mindset that would come back and haunt me. See while I was so busy making sure I could be the provider, the helper, the go to guy, I never found an outlet to express my needs.
I internalized it, chopped it up an let it marinate till it ran its course. This lead to many many anger issues. And after 24 years of internalizing it came back to bite me. Ulcers, stress, hair falling out, and ultimately UC.
Funny how life is kind of full circle. I vowed myself never to go back to being on medication and being sick and yet all the things I overcame came back to me in the worst way. I'm back on medication and need to be checked out in a quarterly fashion.
Although this time I'm a bit wiser than when I was younger. I'm still learning that it's ok to ask for help. It's not about looking weak its about being human and you can't do everything.
So to all my friends and family who have always been there for me. As much as I can, I will still always be there for you and I thank you for being there for me...even when I was too stubborn to reach out.
One
