RyE On A Diary Page

How does one fall in love with their soul?

I took a page out of my diary to write an open letter to my soul...my beautiful soul.

If I told you I wanted to talk to you I think people... you know... would think its kind of funny. I mean we one in the same right? For better or for worse you spelled it out to me we in this together forever. And we both know we've been through our ups and our downs this year. Wish we didn't have any downs but that's just not how life works is it? Ha, ain't that funny....I'm wishing. Something I said I don't normally believe in. Guess you really are starting to make me into a better man. And why wouldn't you. I mean you know me better than I know myself. You know me better than any girlfriend I ever had. Any friend or family member I have because you simply see all that is me. The good, the bad, the strong, but most importantly the weaknesses, the insecurities and the fears and doubts I hide from others. You are exposed to all of that. No walls. No barriers. Just me. All of me.

And on the flip side you have been the courage for me to make tough decisions. The support when I doubted myself. The ever constant fan in the stands cheering me on. The believer in my abilities to take them to places I can't see. You do all that with such flare. A Southern hospitality take on life that only the biggest city in the world can contain.

But lately I feel even the biggest city in the world may not contain you. And you are too big for even me to selfishly keep. But before you leave can you please hear me out?

I guess I never got the chance to really express myself the way I wanted to. Yes we had our moments where I tried to lay it all out there for you. Sometimes your approach on life to write feelings down really is the best way. I just wanted to be raw with my emotions and let you see the love and the pain. For all the things you do for me I hope I could return it 10 fold. You are a part of me as I am to you so we unfortunately share the same habits and pride to "fix everything;" to "be the solid rock" for our loved ones; to show no weaknesses.

For making me realize what LIFE is all about. For showing me what LIFE should be all about. For giving me a LIFE worth living. I love you. I'm in love with you. I love even your mere presence in my life. But you had a life before mine ever intertwined with you and I realize your love for me is not the same. I understand you brought all that to others before me. And the past is something that is still relevant to the present. Ironically I feel like I'm in a race against the past but I'm the one who is a couple steps behind. And so I sit here and try to figure out what I can do to make you my past present and future?

See all I want is to be relevant. Just tell me that I ever meant anything more. That you could see past just the physical. See me in a different light in the brightest of all rooms. To stand out amongst the crowd and shine light on even your dark days.

I need you to live yet you can bring life to someone else. And I feel you slipping away with every breath that I take. Make another man feel all the things I already feel. To fill the void that I can't fill. Not that I can't but you won't let me fill. And regardless of the allegiance to me or not, my love, my soul, you gon' shine anyway. But I'd like to be the right allegiance to you. To tell you there's no one other than me that can complete you. Yet I never want to cloud my intentions to be, with intentions to impress hoping it could materialize into something else.

I just want to channel my feelings the way you do to me to know that I could have brought a better you. It's still a mystery how you see everything I am and not see past my physical. If I could I would steal your love and hope for a life sentence with no key to release. They say its better to have loved than not loved...but I never felt yours. So I'd rather lose love than move on. Because without you I'm just incomplete.

You smiled, you spoke and I believed,
By every word and smile- deceived.

Another man would hope no more;
Nor hope I- what I hoped before.

But let not this last wish be vain;
Deceive, deceive me once again!
-Walter Savage Landor

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