When people describe this young man he is often described as a man of few words but with an open heart. His actions generally do the talking and his ability to show his honesty through his body of work has always shined. On the brink of success has been the tidal wave in which he always rode on. Pushing forward without looking back and through it all no one ever saw the dark holes and deprived attention he admittedly felt he should have had.
Ego Trippin
I'm stepping out of my comfort zone right now to just freestyle my thoughts as I begin to wonder if people understand the value of...
How Rye Met Steph
It was first grade when I first met Stephanie. She was the smallest girl in class and I was the smallest boy in class..
Two Years Gone
I mentioned in a few blogs back (RyEBlogs 4.8.10) that I would dispel a couple of things that I have gone through during some of the most private times of my life. They were private because well...I couldn't exactly be open about certain things due to the circumstances. So this will be my first mini series on this blog that I will title Two Years Gone. This is in no particular order during that time period but more thoughts and things I felt during that time..
So You Want To Date A B!
My mom always told me one of the most important decisions I'll ever have to make is who I want to bring into the family and start a family with. As a child I never quite understood that. As I grew up and started dating it became abundantly clear to me. Crystal clear in fact..
When this portion of my blog turns into a best seller I doubt this will be in the first chapter. No no..probably later in the book or maybe in the second edition. But while it is still fresh in my head I may as well teach this lesson.
This lesson is entitled the Dress
I never understand the dichotomy of a fashion minded woman. Don't get me wrong. I want my woman fashion forward and to be sexy and sophisticated in how she presents herself. All my women must be strong in order to be with me and therefore looking the part is half the battle. But all the rules and stipulations on what you can and cannot wear...how many times you can wear it....and all that x's and o's is like drawing up a football play. It's a little too complicated.
So let me break down the situation. I was attending a college friend of mines wedding this past weekend and my date was (in my opinion) over analyzing what to wear for the wedding. Me? I just had to get a suit and boom done. The most thinking I would have is what shirt and tie combo to go with it (which I picked out the morning of....um with her help).
But weeks leading up to the wedding my date couldn't find a dress to wear despite having a closet FILLED with beautiful dresses that I am sure would have been just right for the occasion. However, to my knowledge...you women just cannot wear the same dress twice! (sooooo why buy it???)
The week of the wedding was approaching and my date still had not picked out a dress. She was close! She picked a dress then realized...she was going to wear it to work.......(deep sigh). So she goes on this website "rent the runway" (cheap plug) where she starts sending me dresses to approve for the wedding. After several...several....SEVERAL.....dresses we finally settle on a top three. One of the dresses in particular we BOTH fell in love with.
The dresses came in the night prior to the wedding date. All was working out till....I get this
At first I was like (draw dropped) she looked gorgeous and radiant in the dress. Then I looked at it again and noticed....that is a LOT whiter than what we saw on the website which described the dress as GOLD. So not wanting to panic I simply thought maybe it was the phone camera she was using that made it look off white. This led to a series of massive texts to ANYONE I knew who would give me their opinion.
The responses came in:
Off white
Cream like
White
White with a tint of Gold
"You can't wear that to a wedding unless you're the Bride"
(DEEP DEEP SIGH)
Now as a man you have to know when and where to disclose information to a woman about how they look...how they dress...and what is and is not appropriate when they are looking for you to give them some advice. In this case? Yea I was NOT about to have her panic even more about this dress.
So naturally I tried to keep these responses to myself and reassure her that everything was going to be AAAAA-OK even though deep down inside I was thinking to myself SHIT! FUCK! WHYYYY??!? =)
It is bad enough she knows NO ONE at the wedding except me and the last thing I needed was a date who wore a faux pas wedding dress. Still I figured it was best to just go with the flow and if she wore the dress we will ride out together in it. (even if it did have us getting side eyes and getting kicked out the wedding)
The next morning she came (an hour and a half later but that will be for another story and another lesson). To my surprise she had bought another dress that morning to wear. She tried on all the dresses again and in person she looked even more beautiful than any camera could ever capture. The dress we both fell in love with looked amazing and in truth it was a gold dress but in the wrong lighting could easily be mistaken as an off white color. And sadly we went with another dress. The dress she had bought that morning.
What I learned from this experience is that when you put a woman in a situation where they are going to be in unfamiliar territory and you are the only link they have... it is necessary that they feel comfortable in whatever sense of grounding they can attach themselves to. In this case the dress was that comfort zone. She may not have known anyone going into this wedding, and may not know how fancy of a wedding it was going to be but as long as she felt comfortable with the dress and she knew I was comfortable with her in it than that's all that mattered.
I thought at first all this was over reacting and silly but fella's you have to realize that as much as you may think your date is over reacting to how she looks, it is the one thing she has control over. Giving her grief over what she wears will do you no favors. And when she is asking for your opinion on a dress it is because she wants to look good not only for herself but for YOU. She is trying to impress people for YOU because they matter to YOU. So don't roll your eyes or feel like its a chore when going dress hunting with your woman. At the end of the day shes thinking about you more than she is herself. I'm lucky enough to have brought someone who cared enough for me to do just that. And truth be told....it didn't matter to me what dress she wore because she looked beautiful in every single one. But even if she wore that amazing white/off white/cream like/gold shimmery dress....and the wedding decided to chase us out with pitch forks and burning stakes.....I think it would be all worth it just to see her in that dress for one moment in time.
"That's Him!" I'm usually what they whisper 'bout
Either what chick he with, or his chip amount...
So don't believe everything your earlobe captures, it's mostly backwards unless it happens to be as accurate as me and everything said in song you happen to see...then, actually, believe half of what you see, none of what you hear, even if it's spat by me!
I've come to realize that Hollywood Pes' is truly going to be a difficult moniker for me to live up to. Back in 2006 that was my nickname. More so how I carried myself but little did I realize that my life would be so under the microscope.
I'm not really anything special. I don't live an outlandish lifestyle. I'm very much a private keep to myself kind of guy. The industry in which I happen to put my career into however...thinks otherwise.
"The streets is talking..." "SO ARE THEY TRUE?" "A little birdie told me..." "Ok...so look me in the eyes and tell me this isn't true...." "OMG So good to see you...hey btw..are you dating..."
I realized that coming back to the place I had left only 5-6 months ago was going to cause some controversy. Add in the fact that I don't talk about my business to the general public and inquiring minds are going to want to know. But the attention that has been given to me in the last three days has been crazy paparazzi status.
Someone actually "caught" me having dinner with a certain individual and felt it was necessary (during my time off mind you) to spread that around. Next thing I know there are rumors of me being with this young woman. Really? I can't have dinner with someone without already being attached to them in some way? And honestly...HOW do you manage to "catch" me having dinner???
The next big topic is why did you come back?? Well it doesn't really matter does it? I'm back and whatever events led me here is just details that doesn't concern you. Then they want to know if I got dropped...(shaking head slowly with eyes closed).....and do you got beef with ____
No and No.
Sometimes there's not always a story behind every action that I do. And if there is one and you don't know about it...that was by design.
I understand I need to open up. I have ways of doing that. I would consider this blog even as an outlet. I talk to certain people in my life that I feel I can talk to about and they will hear me out without trying to talk to me like I'm a child. Point is...I'm working to the best way I know how to....open up.
Yet it's like that old saying...give an inch..take a mile. Your sucking the life out of me like thirsty bloodsuckers (no pun intended). I swear my life isn't worth your time to worry about all the questions that seem to pop in your head. I certainly do not need you to worry about who I am seeing.
Which brings me to this next point. You can read the comments...see the interactions...look at what pictures you can find. You can draw your own conclusions but the reality is....you do not know US. You don't know what we talk about, you don't know how we interact with each other, you don't know what draws us to each other. You simply do not know. So don't try to. Don't analyze us. Don't draw conclusions because WE? Are way too complicated for you to understand.
To my friends who are concerned...I understand your concern. I appreciate the pact that we made you are living up to it. I truly feel blessed you are looking out for my best interests but I am not blind. Nor am I stupid. My actions may seem like I am both. But I know something that no one knows (maybe not even her) and that is my heart.
I am a grown man who makes his own decisions in his life. I do not need to validate your concerns or your over active curiosity. I do not need to change my life because of your assumed conclusions. WE are good. And you can take that how you want it but know that no matter what...you still won't understand because you are not a part of US.
So let me be. I'm drained. Overwhelmed. And almost defeated by all these paparrazooh's who can't seem to see my life as anything but open to be stalked. And why? Because I chose not to disclose my personal life to all of you? Don't try to give me 15 minutes...I don't want even 15 seconds.
Our Crazy Little Bubble is at full capacity...and it's a party of two.
She: God I hope this dress works in person when you see it!
Rye: Lol I'm sure it'll be fine She: I think its funny the ONE dress we loved She: You called "sexy" She: Is the ONE dress that is causing drama She: That would be "us"
Rye: Lol
Rye: I was wondering where u were going with this She: Lol
Rye: I was like is this girl going to somehow blame me for this She: Lol She: No blaming us. She: US
Rye: Lol sure...
Rye: Us
Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around. ~Frank A. Clark
What do you want to believe? To paraphrase Dolly Madison...one of the proudest things to me is to never desire someone else's business. I just happen to somehow always be in the thick of things. So why do you want to know about all that nonsense? It's all just rumors...
I just want to address these issues so we can move on.
Fine. Start over...what do you want to know.
Well you have been having a rough year haven't you.
Is that a question or a statement?
Alright alright fine. Yes. 2010 hasn't exactly gone the way I anticipated it to be. 2009 was a rough year but 2010 was tough. I expected to be better in 2010 but it seemed like 2009's karma just spilled over. It started out promising. I thought my health would sustain, I would get a new job and the girl that I never knew but was always there would be the answer to everything I looked for in a woman. Instead my health got worse...my job situation didn't work out the way I planned it...that's another conversation...and the girl....nothing happened.
That would explain your hospital visits this year.
Yea check my bills...I'm living that American Dream...overpriced health care and in debt. It's fucking fantastic.
Well it got pretty serious for you didn't it...
I had some family issues I was dealing with, I hated my job, and the girl I put all my trust in didn't feel the same way for me. I think all of that triggered things. Then I didn't get better. I got worse. And I was put on more medication. This lasted from March till the of June. For four months I tried to live like nothing was bothering me but I was slowly slowly dying.
I'll never forget the day I was supposed to be on a plane to Buffalo to be a Godfather for the fourth time. And not being able to get off the couch because I had lost so much blood. But if it wasn't for that kid I would probably be dead right now. I somehow mustered the strength to get there and actually stand through the whole baptism.
Came home and went straight to the hospital. They say for my condition it's best not to stress. Well when you see yourself bleeding out you tell me how you don't stress. And when your doctors don't know how to help you...you tell me where you find answers to.
So that's what lead you to seclusion and to your depression....
I think your jumping to conclusions. I secluded myself because I couldn't be around people. I was sick and I didn't want any of their help or their sympathy and most of all I didn't want them to worry about me. Depression can be mental but in my case it was a lack of chemicals in my system due to the loss of blood. I'm not going to sit here and say that I wasn't also going through enough bad shit all at one time for me to just lose all the positive attitude I had but I think it was more chemically driven.
Then something odd happened. When I was in the hospital in May I got a job offer that I went on an interview back early in April. Whatever type of depressed state I was in somehow got lifted a bit. The new drugs seemed to be working and I felt like I was back on the road to recovery.
However June was probably the worst of all the months correct?
Yes. I started a new job but my health did not recoup fully. The drugs did help but did not help me get over the hump. I don't normally even like taking drugs but now that I'm on them to live a "normal" life I guess it made me start to do things uncharacteristic. I started self medicating myself. I was also getting blood transfusions every weekend while I would work the week. I was too afraid to lose this job that I just got because I was afraid of going back to the job I hated. I needed to succeed. Failure was not an option for me. The problem was I started having real bad cases of insomnia. Granted my hours of sleeping were off since late Jan early Feb of the year but I was going through almost 48 hrs with only 1-2 hrs of sleep. Again I was worried about not having a good situation with my job so I started taking sleeping pills. And they worked wonders. Only problem was that I had to get up so early for my new job since the commute was farther and so I couldn't take these pills as much as I wanted to.
Again not having anyone to talk to I figured I just needed to control my health and I wouldn't be so stressed. So I started upping my dosage to know ones knowledge. I mixed too many pills together and actually ended up passing out on the way home from work.
At any point did you think that this was it?
......
Yes
It seems silly but the heart is a powerful thing. Not only did I lose the girl but I lost my most trusted individual in my life. And that whole time I was sick I felt she wasn't there for me. And while I went down she lived her life. And no one knew about us so there was nothing for me to tell anyone. Factor in I secluded myself from all my friends for not having the energy or strength to want to explain myself to them and the "depressed" state I was in. I knew what I was doing when I started to over prescribe my pills. But at the same time...I didn't really care. I looked at it like well...if I die I die. Best case scenario is the drugs will make me better. And they actually did. Even though it wasn't properly ordered this way I was able to work and stay "healthy" enough to get through the week without anyone knowing. But as my body adjusted so did my dosage. When the meds worked I felt normal but as soon as they wore off it felt like my insides were dying. And so I had to continue to overcompensate for it till everything faded to black.
It was the first time in my life that I was fine with just not caring enough to want to live. I wanted to be selfish. Deep down I wanted to die. I didn't care about the people I would leave. I didn't care about my family or friends. I just wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to live my life this way.
But that didn't happen. So what made you turn things around?
Just freestylin my thoughts on what tomorrow brings...
Yo boy Pes' is fly like spaceships
haters like food I feast after graces
Only rock basics, Reebok Classics
Graduated from "fucked up" no longer getting wasted
Real life placement, moved from the basement, placed on a matrix based on a day in the life spent..
Acapella Freestyle all harder than your song said
My life span designed to be thicker than a red bone
I'm a problem when I'm in the zone
So pardon me for being blunt I'm just being direct
I don't really deal with beef cuz I digest
But if you haters feeling froggy get disect
I show these niggas how to stroke with my bicep
Cuz the Queens kid clocked in like a giant Gob-a-lin
Stack cash never spend like kids in recess I bully lunch money
Been selling Kool Aid since I was young honey
Never stop earnin I'm still learnin
I'm way past hot and homey I'm still burning
Rumors of the Demise of Rye is dead
Change gon come that's what Barack said
I prefer Money Power and Respect like the Lox said
Leader of the New School that's what Jess said
Don't need Fendi this or Gucci that, maybe a little Sierra Leon Diamond enough said
You can know so much yet but know nothing, if I know nothing else bet I know hustlin
This ain't even supposed to rhyme its a controlled substance
No iron pumping just kettle bell swinging
I just do business I don't do friends long as the money right I'm in
Don't need to second guess the best I'm him
Still wrap circles round these new Urkels cuz I stay in my lane till it open up
Like a sponge to the game I just soak it up
5 years in I deserve it
Cypher so hard I just murdered it
So God bless my "Soul" I just found religion
And with help from a "Birdseye" view she help channel my vision
Uncaged uplift me out of my prison
Everything I say imitate my life
My words be inspiration to your life
That's why I let you into my diary to admire me
The makings of this man see my private dichotomy
So if you hear me God open up the pearly gates, let me entrada
Rip open my body, fuck me up like a pinata
Just know those that come after me, all basura
I might have slipped for a minute that was not by design
Gotta remember God has plans for mine
Slight different approach I thought He wanted me out through my ass hole
But worry not case you forgot he let it be and left me, The Asshole
So all you doubters can hug and kiss my ass x and o
The fact that I'm free let me know God is great
To spread my kool aid no concentrate
So never fear Superman is here
Clark Kent by the desk I shall appear
Hakuna mata, feet up sippin java...
If you have been a faithful follower of my blog (which I praise and bless you for keeping up with my silly rants) then I think you can guess...I'm not that great with women! Well let me restate and clarify that. I AM great with women. I'm just not great at PICKING women. They are either doormats...fresh out of a relationship...looking for the "nice guy"....or involved (shhhhhh!). In other words I tend to go with the crazy ones. Then again every girl is crazy. But I? I shoot for bat shit crazy. What can I say I'm a masochist...and honestly....crazy girls make relationships fun. Anyway I digress.
I've been meaning to do this for some time. I've noticed that while I may have my issues in picking women it takes a very strong individual to date a B! What the B stands for? Well you will need to read these blogs in order to find out. Consider this a manual...a how to guide. Along the way I'll be giving my thoughts on the female kind. Male thoughts vs Female thoughts on various topics. How I feel about love and all that gushy shit. But before I do that let me set this up.
Preface
For as long as I can remember I've been inspired by women. I've been infatuated with their whole make up. Not talking about the stuff they put on their face but rather what makes them women. From the clothes they wear, to the scent of perfume they put on, and how they carry themselves.
If you ask any man what they like in a woman (and this could be very well true for most females too) they would probably go along the lines of...funny, sweet,intelligent, and good looking.....
Way to be generic buddy. Granted I too look for things in a woman but all my life I've pretty much studied the female behavior. And quite frankly I still don't get it! But I love women. I love their minds, their conversations, their emotions, and how they express them. I love the way they can show love because that is the most important factor in it all.
In my young life I've had the opportunity to interact with so many diverse women from all over the world. Each woman I met was different and unique in their own right. I've had the pleasure of dating several different women with many different backgrounds. Like Big Pun said...I don't discriminate I regulate every shade of that...aaaaaaaand I'm digressing again (Did I really just quote Big Pun?).
I also have an admission to make. I don't really believe in "the one." Or even being with your soul mate. I happen to be a marathon dater. For those that don't know what that means it means that I go from one long relationship to the next. And it's not so much that I get over a girl easily it just happened that way. And in each one of the girls I dated for X amount of years I find myself learning more about myself and what I want out of a woman.
For that matter, as you grow, your taste grows, so does your interest in what you find in a partner. I certainly don't believe that the one girl I met in Jr. High will fit me more perfectly than the seven other billion woman out there that I will happen to meet when I'm 30 or so. No I think that we all have countless other "better halves." The key is timing and finding that better half at the right time or knowing you found that person and taking a leap with it. It may not even be in this life time (hell it could be in another life time if you believe in that sort of thing) but the key is knowing what you have.
With all these experiences I'd like to share them with you as you go through my journey and all the ups and downs of my so called love life.
Prologue
My mom always told me one of the most important decisions I'll ever have to make is who I want to bring into the family and start a family with. As a child I never quite understood that. As I grew up and started dating it became abundantly clear to me. Crystal clear in fact what she meant. You see...I have a LARGE family. My father is one of 10 and my mother is one of 7. Both sides of the family are super close. That means when we have "family gatherings" I'm not just talking about mom and dad and my sister coming for dinner. I'm talking all 8 Tito's and 8 Tita's and all my cousins. My cousins on my dads side all happen to range from the oldest to the youngest about a 15 year gap. So we are all very much close in the sense that we are almost like brothers and sisters. When we got to that age of dating I never thought much about bringing them around the family. For the most part all the girls I started dating were from school so they already knew my parents and my cousins.
What I didn't know was how all of them truly felt about the girls I brought home. Here I am thinking that I bring home my first girlfriend, all sweet innocent little Stephanie (See How Rye Met Steph) and my parents an family love her. Boy was I wrong. (I'm terribly sorry Steph if you are reading this and this is news to you!)
My mother absolutely HATED her. And my cousins? They felt she wouldn't be a good fit in the family or make a good wife for me. Now before I even go any further please note that Stephanie and I started dating in like the 4th grade and all throughout high school. BUT mi familia?? They thought this back in the FOURTH GRADE. It is absolutely asinine to think that at such a young age my cousins would think that.
As the years went by and I started dating other women who didn't have the luxury of meeting my family as they met me and introducing them to the fam was like strategic warfare. I had to lay out the family tree and give characteristics on all of them:
The point I'm trying to make is that in order to date me...you kinda have to go through them...
Maganda: No mean faces. Those are so NOT nice
Rye: Isn't that the whole point of a "mean face"?
Rye: To...not...be....nice?
Maganda: Not to me!
Maganda: You? Love me. And should ALWAYS be nice to me.
Maganda: Clearly.
Rye: That sounded like an order
Rye: Almost a demand with the caps
Rye: U know rye rye doesn't respond well to those
Maganda: ....
Maganda: You are dillusional
Rye: How am I being dillusional??
Maganda: Bc I that wasn't an order!
Rye: Are we speaking english?
Rye: Or did ur native island in u just come out
Rye: :p
Maganda: Lol.
Maganda: *TIME OUT*
Rye: Oh cmon!!!!!!!
Rye: COME ON
Rye: Ima ping the shit out of you
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: =D
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: =D
Rye: PING!!!
Maganda: >=/
Rye: =|
Rye: (hug) ?
Maganda: 2 X *TIME OUT*
Rye: COOOOOOOME ON
Rye: Fuck
Maganda: I hate that I'm totally smiling. You suck.
Rye: That's because you loooooove me
Rye: U can't live withouuuuuuuut me
Rye: You think I'm sexxxxxy
Rye: =D
Maganda: Lol. I do love you.
Rye: Good
Rye: Now you? *TIME OUT*
Rye: :D
It was the end of October and Steph had still not given me an answer to my masterpiece letter (insert sarcasm) where I told her how I felt. I don't know if she was thinking about it...or unsure of how she felt...or didn't feel the same way and just didn't know how to tell me. Either way the girl took her sweet time in letting me know.
Leaving me letters like this:
Well she annoyed me.....but that would be routine. After a couple more days she the big day finally arrived! She felt the same way! WHOO HOO!
Only things couldn't really be that simple could they? For some reason, my best friend Paul at the time had an issue with me dating Steph (Go figure at the 4th grade already dating drama). I didn't know quite how to break it to him nor did I really understand why he had an issue to begin with but I knew I had to tell him something.....
Now if I did or not well that remained to be seen.
"The motivation for me... was them telling me what I could not be. Fuck Ya'll"
Let's be honest. I haven't exactly been the most straight forward individual when it comes to my life.
At times I can be a pretty big asshole when I feel like you come close to anything I consider personal or private. Shady kinda comes to mind to describe me. I'm working on it. Trust me.
I think I've said this a million times. I hate talking. I just like to do. Action speaks louder than words for me. But every so often I like to boast. I like to release some aggression.And right now I got a lot of pent up aggression. I want to turn the page on this chapter in my life. So I hope to get this all off my chest now.
Fuck You. Fuck all of you. To everyone who ever doubted me. To everyone who ever thought I wasn't good enough. To everyone who tried to hold me back. To everyone who expected me to be anything less than I can be. To everyone who can't see me for me. Fuck you all.
I have a hard time accepting rejection. I don't like losing. I'm a Type A always Number 1 personality. And if I ain't then I fight very hard to make you see you were wrong in looking past me. So when I feel like I'm not #1 or that I am not getting what I deserve it eats at me. Burns a hole right through me. I can respect defeat but not when I know I'm the better man.
You're a selfish bitch. I see it now. You always wanted it your way. Even now you can't seem to look at me and see what I'm worth. You never put me first and yet I always did. You claim to know me but I'm beginning to think you never did. Because all the shit you hated about me and wanted to change is everything I am. You made me feel less of a man and for what? Because I couldn't give you the life that you wanted? What happened to my goals and dreams? I'm just supposed to give you the world and forget mine?
The sad truth is I was willing to do that. I was willing to give you the world and everything you ever wanted in life. But not at the expense of my dreams.
You're my Past. When you decided to make your decision on how you wanted to move forward with your life I know that you would remain in my past and not part of my future. And I accepted that. But to come back to me and make me a ghost because when your situation is fucked up I'm the only one you got. I got news for you. This ghost is very much alive. Just remember there was a ring on your finger....and I'm not talking about the one your sporting now. But hey...that's just the past.
You're my biggest fake cheerleader. When I was going through my ups and downs you were there for me. I won't forget that. We had our moment in the sun and it was unexpected but I guess how it all came to an end didn't exactly sit well with me. You got your single life jollies off of me and then went running back to the one you left. That's fine. Homeboy is actually really cool. But I'm a pretty big secret that he will never know will he? And you did him wrong because you know that if you told him you guys probably won't be together right now. But you won't ruin that with a fling right? Not that I had any issues with being a "fling." Hell I got out of a relationship shortly after so I was just trying to figure things all out. But all the things you told me...and all the things you said doesn't add up to how things unfolded. But I guess that's just blond ambition ain't it? It's OK I'll take this secret to the grave. ;)
