It's been sometime since I was able to put thoughts onto
A moment happened while I was on the beach soaking in the 88 degree weather and sun filled day while knowing my life back home in NYC was a cold rainy below 55 degrees was going on: "I would trade my life to start over again..."
It was a moment...a brief moment and it passed. But it's a moment I always think about. If I could change one aspect it would be to start over..somewhere I don't have any ties to and where no one knows me. I've only had 4 years in my 27 years of existence that I did not live in NYC. And those four years I was so young and naive that all I thought about those 4 years were "I can't wait to finish this and start my life back home." I've defined myself as a true and through New Yorker. A thoroughbred Queens kid with the heart of the city beating through every part of my body.
And what does that mean? I don't really know if I can put it into words. The melting pot culture kept me aware of diversity. The drive to succeed mentality and the always on the go gear was normal. The ability to be you and say Fuck You to anyone or anything that ever said you can't be you felt accepted. I guess that all stems from being a product of my environment. And I do it so naturally. If it weren't for the people in my life who didn't grow up here or with me I wouldn't even know there was this aspect to me. To all the people I grew up with or who have this NY swag we are all one in the same in our own right. Similarly breathing and exercising those same attributes.
In the last 4 years, my life has been in constant flux with ups and downs. I used to prioritize my identity as New Yorker first and Filipino-American second. What that embodies is I am proud; brave; passionate; stubborn; aggressive; fighter; unwavering; resilient; defiant; unforgiving for who I am and what I stand for. Some of those things can be mistaken or accurately represented (depending on how you want to look at it) as cocky; arrogant; obnoxious; and an all around asshole (My alliteration skills are ill). And however way you want to take it there are aspects of me that I'm not going to shy away from; some aspects I wish I didn't have; some I need to work on; and some I wish I had more of.
Prior to college life was very simple and straight forward. I was who I was and never saw the need to change or adapt. The people in my life were like me so we naturally just fed off each other. The culture of hip hop and the rebellious youth driven message to go against the fabric of what is considered "vogue" or "right" or "successful" only furthered my stance. Now granted that may not be the best model to mold yourself into but it is what it is. And so for 23 years I was this hot head kid who couldn't and wouldn't change for anything.
When life decided to throw a monkey wrench in the plans that forced change in my life I've been doing everything to change aspects of my life that I don't even know who I am anymore. All the things that were so simple and straightforward is all cloudy. Trying to maintain who I've always believed myself to be and balancing it out with these changes have been such a mental burn on me.
Recently I got into a bit of trouble at work because I apparently "took it to the streets." And gosh darnit did you know that in Corporate America there are no streets?!?! Yea I know...blew my mind too! ::wink::
And for reasons I don't feel like reiterating on this piece the basic conclusion was that I was wrong and punished for my wrongs. In my eyes though? I felt I was right and that balance between who I am and change resurfaced again. Oh such is the life and times.... No such thing as balance, its one way or no way. So damn it I just want to start over and be me somewhere else...till it's time to come back home. :)
"Its not what I am called that should define who I am. It's who I am that should define what I am called"