When people describe this young man he is often described as a man of few words but with an open heart. His actions generally do the talking and his ability to show his honesty through his body of work has always shined. On the brink of success has been the tidal wave in which he always rode on. Pushing forward without looking back and through it all no one ever saw the dark holes and deprived attention he admittedly felt he should have had.
Ego Trippin
I'm stepping out of my comfort zone right now to just freestyle my thoughts as I begin to wonder if people understand the value of...
How Rye Met Steph
It was first grade when I first met Stephanie. She was the smallest girl in class and I was the smallest boy in class..
Two Years Gone
I mentioned in a few blogs back (RyEBlogs 4.8.10) that I would dispel a couple of things that I have gone through during some of the most private times of my life. They were private because well...I couldn't exactly be open about certain things due to the circumstances. So this will be my first mini series on this blog that I will title Two Years Gone. This is in no particular order during that time period but more thoughts and things I felt during that time..
So You Want To Date A B!
My mom always told me one of the most important decisions I'll ever have to make is who I want to bring into the family and start a family with. As a child I never quite understood that. As I grew up and started dating it became abundantly clear to me. Crystal clear in fact..
When this portion of my blog turns into a best seller I doubt this will be in the first chapter. No no..probably later in the book or maybe in the second edition. But while it is still fresh in my head I may as well teach this lesson.
This lesson is entitled the Dress
I never understand the dichotomy of a fashion minded woman. Don't get me wrong. I want my woman fashion forward and to be sexy and sophisticated in how she presents herself. All my women must be strong in order to be with me and therefore looking the part is half the battle. But all the rules and stipulations on what you can and cannot wear...how many times you can wear it....and all that x's and o's is like drawing up a football play. It's a little too complicated.
So let me break down the situation. I was attending a college friend of mines wedding this past weekend and my date was (in my opinion) over analyzing what to wear for the wedding. Me? I just had to get a suit and boom done. The most thinking I would have is what shirt and tie combo to go with it (which I picked out the morning of....um with her help).
But weeks leading up to the wedding my date couldn't find a dress to wear despite having a closet FILLED with beautiful dresses that I am sure would have been just right for the occasion. However, to my knowledge...you women just cannot wear the same dress twice! (sooooo why buy it???)
The week of the wedding was approaching and my date still had not picked out a dress. She was close! She picked a dress then realized...she was going to wear it to work.......(deep sigh). So she goes on this website "rent the runway" (cheap plug) where she starts sending me dresses to approve for the wedding. After several...several....SEVERAL.....dresses we finally settle on a top three. One of the dresses in particular we BOTH fell in love with.
The dresses came in the night prior to the wedding date. All was working out till....I get this
At first I was like (draw dropped) she looked gorgeous and radiant in the dress. Then I looked at it again and noticed....that is a LOT whiter than what we saw on the website which described the dress as GOLD. So not wanting to panic I simply thought maybe it was the phone camera she was using that made it look off white. This led to a series of massive texts to ANYONE I knew who would give me their opinion.
The responses came in:
Off white
Cream like
White
White with a tint of Gold
"You can't wear that to a wedding unless you're the Bride"
(DEEP DEEP SIGH)
Now as a man you have to know when and where to disclose information to a woman about how they look...how they dress...and what is and is not appropriate when they are looking for you to give them some advice. In this case? Yea I was NOT about to have her panic even more about this dress.
So naturally I tried to keep these responses to myself and reassure her that everything was going to be AAAAA-OK even though deep down inside I was thinking to myself SHIT! FUCK! WHYYYY??!? =)
It is bad enough she knows NO ONE at the wedding except me and the last thing I needed was a date who wore a faux pas wedding dress. Still I figured it was best to just go with the flow and if she wore the dress we will ride out together in it. (even if it did have us getting side eyes and getting kicked out the wedding)
The next morning she came (an hour and a half later but that will be for another story and another lesson). To my surprise she had bought another dress that morning to wear. She tried on all the dresses again and in person she looked even more beautiful than any camera could ever capture. The dress we both fell in love with looked amazing and in truth it was a gold dress but in the wrong lighting could easily be mistaken as an off white color. And sadly we went with another dress. The dress she had bought that morning.
What I learned from this experience is that when you put a woman in a situation where they are going to be in unfamiliar territory and you are the only link they have... it is necessary that they feel comfortable in whatever sense of grounding they can attach themselves to. In this case the dress was that comfort zone. She may not have known anyone going into this wedding, and may not know how fancy of a wedding it was going to be but as long as she felt comfortable with the dress and she knew I was comfortable with her in it than that's all that mattered.
I thought at first all this was over reacting and silly but fella's you have to realize that as much as you may think your date is over reacting to how she looks, it is the one thing she has control over. Giving her grief over what she wears will do you no favors. And when she is asking for your opinion on a dress it is because she wants to look good not only for herself but for YOU. She is trying to impress people for YOU because they matter to YOU. So don't roll your eyes or feel like its a chore when going dress hunting with your woman. At the end of the day shes thinking about you more than she is herself. I'm lucky enough to have brought someone who cared enough for me to do just that. And truth be told....it didn't matter to me what dress she wore because she looked beautiful in every single one. But even if she wore that amazing white/off white/cream like/gold shimmery dress....and the wedding decided to chase us out with pitch forks and burning stakes.....I think it would be all worth it just to see her in that dress for one moment in time.
"That's Him!" I'm usually what they whisper 'bout
Either what chick he with, or his chip amount...
So don't believe everything your earlobe captures, it's mostly backwards unless it happens to be as accurate as me and everything said in song you happen to see...then, actually, believe half of what you see, none of what you hear, even if it's spat by me!
I've come to realize that Hollywood Pes' is truly going to be a difficult moniker for me to live up to. Back in 2006 that was my nickname. More so how I carried myself but little did I realize that my life would be so under the microscope.
I'm not really anything special. I don't live an outlandish lifestyle. I'm very much a private keep to myself kind of guy. The industry in which I happen to put my career into however...thinks otherwise.
"The streets is talking..." "SO ARE THEY TRUE?" "A little birdie told me..." "Ok...so look me in the eyes and tell me this isn't true...." "OMG So good to see you...hey btw..are you dating..."
I realized that coming back to the place I had left only 5-6 months ago was going to cause some controversy. Add in the fact that I don't talk about my business to the general public and inquiring minds are going to want to know. But the attention that has been given to me in the last three days has been crazy paparazzi status.
Someone actually "caught" me having dinner with a certain individual and felt it was necessary (during my time off mind you) to spread that around. Next thing I know there are rumors of me being with this young woman. Really? I can't have dinner with someone without already being attached to them in some way? And honestly...HOW do you manage to "catch" me having dinner???
The next big topic is why did you come back?? Well it doesn't really matter does it? I'm back and whatever events led me here is just details that doesn't concern you. Then they want to know if I got dropped...(shaking head slowly with eyes closed).....and do you got beef with ____
No and No.
Sometimes there's not always a story behind every action that I do. And if there is one and you don't know about it...that was by design.
I understand I need to open up. I have ways of doing that. I would consider this blog even as an outlet. I talk to certain people in my life that I feel I can talk to about and they will hear me out without trying to talk to me like I'm a child. Point is...I'm working to the best way I know how to....open up.
Yet it's like that old saying...give an inch..take a mile. Your sucking the life out of me like thirsty bloodsuckers (no pun intended). I swear my life isn't worth your time to worry about all the questions that seem to pop in your head. I certainly do not need you to worry about who I am seeing.
Which brings me to this next point. You can read the comments...see the interactions...look at what pictures you can find. You can draw your own conclusions but the reality is....you do not know US. You don't know what we talk about, you don't know how we interact with each other, you don't know what draws us to each other. You simply do not know. So don't try to. Don't analyze us. Don't draw conclusions because WE? Are way too complicated for you to understand.
To my friends who are concerned...I understand your concern. I appreciate the pact that we made you are living up to it. I truly feel blessed you are looking out for my best interests but I am not blind. Nor am I stupid. My actions may seem like I am both. But I know something that no one knows (maybe not even her) and that is my heart.
I am a grown man who makes his own decisions in his life. I do not need to validate your concerns or your over active curiosity. I do not need to change my life because of your assumed conclusions. WE are good. And you can take that how you want it but know that no matter what...you still won't understand because you are not a part of US.
So let me be. I'm drained. Overwhelmed. And almost defeated by all these paparrazooh's who can't seem to see my life as anything but open to be stalked. And why? Because I chose not to disclose my personal life to all of you? Don't try to give me 15 minutes...I don't want even 15 seconds.
Our Crazy Little Bubble is at full capacity...and it's a party of two.
She: God I hope this dress works in person when you see it!
Rye: Lol I'm sure it'll be fine She: I think its funny the ONE dress we loved She: You called "sexy" She: Is the ONE dress that is causing drama She: That would be "us"
Rye: Lol
Rye: I was wondering where u were going with this She: Lol
Rye: I was like is this girl going to somehow blame me for this She: Lol She: No blaming us. She: US
Rye: Lol sure...
Rye: Us
Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around. ~Frank A. Clark
What do you want to believe? To paraphrase Dolly Madison...one of the proudest things to me is to never desire someone else's business. I just happen to somehow always be in the thick of things. So why do you want to know about all that nonsense? It's all just rumors...
I just want to address these issues so we can move on.
Fine. Start over...what do you want to know.
Well you have been having a rough year haven't you.
Is that a question or a statement?
Alright alright fine. Yes. 2010 hasn't exactly gone the way I anticipated it to be. 2009 was a rough year but 2010 was tough. I expected to be better in 2010 but it seemed like 2009's karma just spilled over. It started out promising. I thought my health would sustain, I would get a new job and the girl that I never knew but was always there would be the answer to everything I looked for in a woman. Instead my health got worse...my job situation didn't work out the way I planned it...that's another conversation...and the girl....nothing happened.
That would explain your hospital visits this year.
Yea check my bills...I'm living that American Dream...overpriced health care and in debt. It's fucking fantastic.
Well it got pretty serious for you didn't it...
I had some family issues I was dealing with, I hated my job, and the girl I put all my trust in didn't feel the same way for me. I think all of that triggered things. Then I didn't get better. I got worse. And I was put on more medication. This lasted from March till the of June. For four months I tried to live like nothing was bothering me but I was slowly slowly dying.
I'll never forget the day I was supposed to be on a plane to Buffalo to be a Godfather for the fourth time. And not being able to get off the couch because I had lost so much blood. But if it wasn't for that kid I would probably be dead right now. I somehow mustered the strength to get there and actually stand through the whole baptism.
Came home and went straight to the hospital. They say for my condition it's best not to stress. Well when you see yourself bleeding out you tell me how you don't stress. And when your doctors don't know how to help you...you tell me where you find answers to.
So that's what lead you to seclusion and to your depression....
I think your jumping to conclusions. I secluded myself because I couldn't be around people. I was sick and I didn't want any of their help or their sympathy and most of all I didn't want them to worry about me. Depression can be mental but in my case it was a lack of chemicals in my system due to the loss of blood. I'm not going to sit here and say that I wasn't also going through enough bad shit all at one time for me to just lose all the positive attitude I had but I think it was more chemically driven.
Then something odd happened. When I was in the hospital in May I got a job offer that I went on an interview back early in April. Whatever type of depressed state I was in somehow got lifted a bit. The new drugs seemed to be working and I felt like I was back on the road to recovery.
However June was probably the worst of all the months correct?
Yes. I started a new job but my health did not recoup fully. The drugs did help but did not help me get over the hump. I don't normally even like taking drugs but now that I'm on them to live a "normal" life I guess it made me start to do things uncharacteristic. I started self medicating myself. I was also getting blood transfusions every weekend while I would work the week. I was too afraid to lose this job that I just got because I was afraid of going back to the job I hated. I needed to succeed. Failure was not an option for me. The problem was I started having real bad cases of insomnia. Granted my hours of sleeping were off since late Jan early Feb of the year but I was going through almost 48 hrs with only 1-2 hrs of sleep. Again I was worried about not having a good situation with my job so I started taking sleeping pills. And they worked wonders. Only problem was that I had to get up so early for my new job since the commute was farther and so I couldn't take these pills as much as I wanted to.
Again not having anyone to talk to I figured I just needed to control my health and I wouldn't be so stressed. So I started upping my dosage to know ones knowledge. I mixed too many pills together and actually ended up passing out on the way home from work.
At any point did you think that this was it?
......
Yes
It seems silly but the heart is a powerful thing. Not only did I lose the girl but I lost my most trusted individual in my life. And that whole time I was sick I felt she wasn't there for me. And while I went down she lived her life. And no one knew about us so there was nothing for me to tell anyone. Factor in I secluded myself from all my friends for not having the energy or strength to want to explain myself to them and the "depressed" state I was in. I knew what I was doing when I started to over prescribe my pills. But at the same time...I didn't really care. I looked at it like well...if I die I die. Best case scenario is the drugs will make me better. And they actually did. Even though it wasn't properly ordered this way I was able to work and stay "healthy" enough to get through the week without anyone knowing. But as my body adjusted so did my dosage. When the meds worked I felt normal but as soon as they wore off it felt like my insides were dying. And so I had to continue to overcompensate for it till everything faded to black.
It was the first time in my life that I was fine with just not caring enough to want to live. I wanted to be selfish. Deep down I wanted to die. I didn't care about the people I would leave. I didn't care about my family or friends. I just wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to live my life this way.
But that didn't happen. So what made you turn things around?
Just freestylin my thoughts on what tomorrow brings...
Yo boy Pes' is fly like spaceships
haters like food I feast after graces
Only rock basics, Reebok Classics
Graduated from "fucked up" no longer getting wasted
Real life placement, moved from the basement, placed on a matrix based on a day in the life spent..
Acapella Freestyle all harder than your song said
My life span designed to be thicker than a red bone
I'm a problem when I'm in the zone
So pardon me for being blunt I'm just being direct
I don't really deal with beef cuz I digest
But if you haters feeling froggy get disect
I show these niggas how to stroke with my bicep
Cuz the Queens kid clocked in like a giant Gob-a-lin
Stack cash never spend like kids in recess I bully lunch money
Been selling Kool Aid since I was young honey
Never stop earnin I'm still learnin
I'm way past hot and homey I'm still burning
Rumors of the Demise of Rye is dead
Change gon come that's what Barack said
I prefer Money Power and Respect like the Lox said
Leader of the New School that's what Jess said
Don't need Fendi this or Gucci that, maybe a little Sierra Leon Diamond enough said
You can know so much yet but know nothing, if I know nothing else bet I know hustlin
This ain't even supposed to rhyme its a controlled substance
No iron pumping just kettle bell swinging
I just do business I don't do friends long as the money right I'm in
Don't need to second guess the best I'm him
Still wrap circles round these new Urkels cuz I stay in my lane till it open up
Like a sponge to the game I just soak it up
5 years in I deserve it
Cypher so hard I just murdered it
So God bless my "Soul" I just found religion
And with help from a "Birdseye" view she help channel my vision
Uncaged uplift me out of my prison
Everything I say imitate my life
My words be inspiration to your life
That's why I let you into my diary to admire me
The makings of this man see my private dichotomy
So if you hear me God open up the pearly gates, let me entrada
Rip open my body, fuck me up like a pinata
Just know those that come after me, all basura
I might have slipped for a minute that was not by design
Gotta remember God has plans for mine
Slight different approach I thought He wanted me out through my ass hole
But worry not case you forgot he let it be and left me, The Asshole
So all you doubters can hug and kiss my ass x and o
The fact that I'm free let me know God is great
To spread my kool aid no concentrate
So never fear Superman is here
Clark Kent by the desk I shall appear
Hakuna mata, feet up sippin java...
If you have been a faithful follower of my blog (which I praise and bless you for keeping up with my silly rants) then I think you can guess...I'm not that great with women! Well let me restate and clarify that. I AM great with women. I'm just not great at PICKING women. They are either doormats...fresh out of a relationship...looking for the "nice guy"....or involved (shhhhhh!). In other words I tend to go with the crazy ones. Then again every girl is crazy. But I? I shoot for bat shit crazy. What can I say I'm a masochist...and honestly....crazy girls make relationships fun. Anyway I digress.
I've been meaning to do this for some time. I've noticed that while I may have my issues in picking women it takes a very strong individual to date a B! What the B stands for? Well you will need to read these blogs in order to find out. Consider this a manual...a how to guide. Along the way I'll be giving my thoughts on the female kind. Male thoughts vs Female thoughts on various topics. How I feel about love and all that gushy shit. But before I do that let me set this up.
Preface
For as long as I can remember I've been inspired by women. I've been infatuated with their whole make up. Not talking about the stuff they put on their face but rather what makes them women. From the clothes they wear, to the scent of perfume they put on, and how they carry themselves.
If you ask any man what they like in a woman (and this could be very well true for most females too) they would probably go along the lines of...funny, sweet,intelligent, and good looking.....
Way to be generic buddy. Granted I too look for things in a woman but all my life I've pretty much studied the female behavior. And quite frankly I still don't get it! But I love women. I love their minds, their conversations, their emotions, and how they express them. I love the way they can show love because that is the most important factor in it all.
In my young life I've had the opportunity to interact with so many diverse women from all over the world. Each woman I met was different and unique in their own right. I've had the pleasure of dating several different women with many different backgrounds. Like Big Pun said...I don't discriminate I regulate every shade of that...aaaaaaaand I'm digressing again (Did I really just quote Big Pun?).
I also have an admission to make. I don't really believe in "the one." Or even being with your soul mate. I happen to be a marathon dater. For those that don't know what that means it means that I go from one long relationship to the next. And it's not so much that I get over a girl easily it just happened that way. And in each one of the girls I dated for X amount of years I find myself learning more about myself and what I want out of a woman.
For that matter, as you grow, your taste grows, so does your interest in what you find in a partner. I certainly don't believe that the one girl I met in Jr. High will fit me more perfectly than the seven other billion woman out there that I will happen to meet when I'm 30 or so. No I think that we all have countless other "better halves." The key is timing and finding that better half at the right time or knowing you found that person and taking a leap with it. It may not even be in this life time (hell it could be in another life time if you believe in that sort of thing) but the key is knowing what you have.
With all these experiences I'd like to share them with you as you go through my journey and all the ups and downs of my so called love life.
Prologue
My mom always told me one of the most important decisions I'll ever have to make is who I want to bring into the family and start a family with. As a child I never quite understood that. As I grew up and started dating it became abundantly clear to me. Crystal clear in fact what she meant. You see...I have a LARGE family. My father is one of 10 and my mother is one of 7. Both sides of the family are super close. That means when we have "family gatherings" I'm not just talking about mom and dad and my sister coming for dinner. I'm talking all 8 Tito's and 8 Tita's and all my cousins. My cousins on my dads side all happen to range from the oldest to the youngest about a 15 year gap. So we are all very much close in the sense that we are almost like brothers and sisters. When we got to that age of dating I never thought much about bringing them around the family. For the most part all the girls I started dating were from school so they already knew my parents and my cousins.
What I didn't know was how all of them truly felt about the girls I brought home. Here I am thinking that I bring home my first girlfriend, all sweet innocent little Stephanie (See How Rye Met Steph) and my parents an family love her. Boy was I wrong. (I'm terribly sorry Steph if you are reading this and this is news to you!)
My mother absolutely HATED her. And my cousins? They felt she wouldn't be a good fit in the family or make a good wife for me. Now before I even go any further please note that Stephanie and I started dating in like the 4th grade and all throughout high school. BUT mi familia?? They thought this back in the FOURTH GRADE. It is absolutely asinine to think that at such a young age my cousins would think that.
As the years went by and I started dating other women who didn't have the luxury of meeting my family as they met me and introducing them to the fam was like strategic warfare. I had to lay out the family tree and give characteristics on all of them:
The point I'm trying to make is that in order to date me...you kinda have to go through them...
Maganda: No mean faces. Those are so NOT nice
Rye: Isn't that the whole point of a "mean face"?
Rye: To...not...be....nice?
Maganda: Not to me!
Maganda: You? Love me. And should ALWAYS be nice to me.
Maganda: Clearly.
Rye: That sounded like an order
Rye: Almost a demand with the caps
Rye: U know rye rye doesn't respond well to those
Maganda: ....
Maganda: You are dillusional
Rye: How am I being dillusional??
Maganda: Bc I that wasn't an order!
Rye: Are we speaking english?
Rye: Or did ur native island in u just come out
Rye: :p
Maganda: Lol.
Maganda: *TIME OUT*
Rye: Oh cmon!!!!!!!
Rye: COME ON
Rye: Ima ping the shit out of you
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: =D
Rye: PING!!!
Rye: =D
Rye: PING!!!
Maganda: >=/
Rye: =|
Rye: (hug) ?
Maganda: 2 X *TIME OUT*
Rye: COOOOOOOME ON
Rye: Fuck
Maganda: I hate that I'm totally smiling. You suck.
Rye: That's because you loooooove me
Rye: U can't live withouuuuuuuut me
Rye: You think I'm sexxxxxy
Rye: =D
Maganda: Lol. I do love you.
Rye: Good
Rye: Now you? *TIME OUT*
Rye: :D
It was the end of October and Steph had still not given me an answer to my masterpiece letter (insert sarcasm) where I told her how I felt. I don't know if she was thinking about it...or unsure of how she felt...or didn't feel the same way and just didn't know how to tell me. Either way the girl took her sweet time in letting me know.
Leaving me letters like this:
Well she annoyed me.....but that would be routine. After a couple more days she the big day finally arrived! She felt the same way! WHOO HOO!
Only things couldn't really be that simple could they? For some reason, my best friend Paul at the time had an issue with me dating Steph (Go figure at the 4th grade already dating drama). I didn't know quite how to break it to him nor did I really understand why he had an issue to begin with but I knew I had to tell him something.....
Now if I did or not well that remained to be seen.
"The motivation for me... was them telling me what I could not be. Fuck Ya'll"
Let's be honest. I haven't exactly been the most straight forward individual when it comes to my life.
At times I can be a pretty big asshole when I feel like you come close to anything I consider personal or private. Shady kinda comes to mind to describe me. I'm working on it. Trust me.
I think I've said this a million times. I hate talking. I just like to do. Action speaks louder than words for me. But every so often I like to boast. I like to release some aggression.And right now I got a lot of pent up aggression. I want to turn the page on this chapter in my life. So I hope to get this all off my chest now.
Fuck You. Fuck all of you. To everyone who ever doubted me. To everyone who ever thought I wasn't good enough. To everyone who tried to hold me back. To everyone who expected me to be anything less than I can be. To everyone who can't see me for me. Fuck you all.
I have a hard time accepting rejection. I don't like losing. I'm a Type A always Number 1 personality. And if I ain't then I fight very hard to make you see you were wrong in looking past me. So when I feel like I'm not #1 or that I am not getting what I deserve it eats at me. Burns a hole right through me. I can respect defeat but not when I know I'm the better man.
You're a selfish bitch. I see it now. You always wanted it your way. Even now you can't seem to look at me and see what I'm worth. You never put me first and yet I always did. You claim to know me but I'm beginning to think you never did. Because all the shit you hated about me and wanted to change is everything I am. You made me feel less of a man and for what? Because I couldn't give you the life that you wanted? What happened to my goals and dreams? I'm just supposed to give you the world and forget mine?
The sad truth is I was willing to do that. I was willing to give you the world and everything you ever wanted in life. But not at the expense of my dreams.
You're my Past. When you decided to make your decision on how you wanted to move forward with your life I know that you would remain in my past and not part of my future. And I accepted that. But to come back to me and make me a ghost because when your situation is fucked up I'm the only one you got. I got news for you. This ghost is very much alive. Just remember there was a ring on your finger....and I'm not talking about the one your sporting now. But hey...that's just the past.
You're my biggest fake cheerleader. When I was going through my ups and downs you were there for me. I won't forget that. We had our moment in the sun and it was unexpected but I guess how it all came to an end didn't exactly sit well with me. You got your single life jollies off of me and then went running back to the one you left. That's fine. Homeboy is actually really cool. But I'm a pretty big secret that he will never know will he? And you did him wrong because you know that if you told him you guys probably won't be together right now. But you won't ruin that with a fling right? Not that I had any issues with being a "fling." Hell I got out of a relationship shortly after so I was just trying to figure things all out. But all the things you told me...and all the things you said doesn't add up to how things unfolded. But I guess that's just blond ambition ain't it? It's OK I'll take this secret to the grave. ;)
With the NBA season upon us I'm excited to see the repercussions of the Summer of 2010. The big free agency class! The move for the Big Shaqachussettes to Bean Town and of course the revamped Knicks! As I watched the NBA tip off Miami vs Boston I really wanted to see the cohesiveness of the big three in south beach. I know it's still too early to say because of all the injuries during the pre season but they were a mess. And all I kept thinking about as I watched Lebron score 30 in his first game with the #6 El Heat Jersey was....you could have probably stayed in Cleveland if that was what you were going to do....
I don't care if your Lebron James or your a little high school punk playing ball on the court. Everyone who touches that leather orange basketball dreams to be the next Michael Jordan. Everyone knows when you were the 2-3 that you have a responsibility. Those numbers are sacred. You can't just expect to wear those numbers and be average (although many have unfortunately). Even if your skill set would lend itself more to say Larry or Magic or heck even Dr. J it didn't matter. YOU wanted to be MJ....tounge out, flying through the air, classic MJ Pose. Don't lie to yourself.
MJ is the standard. The peak of his greatness didn't even show till he came back (for the first time wearing the 4-5). I'll admit, when growing up as much as I loved watching Jordan play I hated him! As a beloved Knick fan he just always crushed us....anyone remember the double nickle game? Yea I do...(sigh). That's probably why my John Starks poster of him dunking over Jordan hung on my wall till it was all battered up. It was the one symbol of Jordan as human on that court.
As time went on I grew to appreciate MJ and didn't even care when he went up against my Knicks. Honestly that was the only time I even hated him. Not because of his abilities, not because of asshole ways off the court to be the best, not his gambling addiction, but simply because he beat my team all the time! I guess you can say the same for Kobe. In my opinion Kobe is probably the closest Air Apparent to Jordan. By the records he'll eventually surpass Jordan but if anyone was as close to him it's Kobe.
I too hate/hated Kobe but I hated him for the simple fact that I don't like his personality. I respect his game but I think he's such a loser...with an amazing gift. I think you take that away from him and hes just a dweeb. But again I respect the dude.
Now LBJ? OK yea your a beast. Probably the best player in the game today. I'll give you that. But you? Suck. I think that whole Decision crap was ego driven and unprofessional. You didn't even give your own team...your HOMETOWN...the respect to let them know you were going somewhere else. I don't care if you said your going to the ABA you could have at least said "Hey thanks for all your support but I will not be resigning with you..." at the LEAST.
Then you started this whole Me vs the world campaign. The twitter account messages. The whole Miami Heat are the most hated team in the world. Nah son...I love D-Wade. Favorite player in the game today since 05. If anything I want to see him get another ring because he plays the game right.
YOU are the most hated individual right now. Not Bosh. Not Wade. Not any other player on the team that came because they see ring aspirations. Your excuses last year during the playoffs, about how you "spoil us" and your explanation of why you decided to "Take your talents to South Beach."
Now you have this dumbass fucking commercial and for all the reasons you say your not MJ I see you sure do like going down his path. I don't blame you for that but all these off court bs needs to stop. Shut up and play the game. Stop going on your twitter account and talking. Just be an athlete and talk when the press is around you before and after the game. No one wants to see stupid commercials like this and no one cares. Just shut the fuck up.
Then maybe when I'm old and grey I'll look back and like Jordan...say I respect you.
As I've taken time off from my career and everything else in life I've been spending some time putting my apt together. This is my first piece of property that I own and for almost 2 years that I have lived here it's been missing the "Rye" element to it. Too many hi tech gadgets and basic furniture but no "life" t0 it. So I decided that on my time off that I will put into my place what I had in my old dungeon of a room at my parents house.
Going through old and new stuff and bringing it into my place was like taking me back in time and realizing what a wonderful life I have. Reading some old letters and finding old photos made me also realize that I am almost the same person I was when I was a kid as I am a man today.
I realize I don't normally update my blog on "current events in my life" so let me just give you a quick snapshot of the last oh 5 months? (Deep breath)
In June I quit my old job of 4 years to go to a new company where I would be leading their new Digital Outdoor Advertising company. It was everything I wanted from a career perspective but my health had other plans. My UC started acting up again and I was in an out of the hospital that whole first month. I would go to work M-F and leave Friday to go straight to the hospital to get blood transfusions. I did this for about three weeks. On the fourth week I didn't quite make it to the hospital...I passed out on the street due to loss of blood and was admitted for a fourth week.
I got better...traveled for my job...traveled to MTK...spent a wonderful summer with my friends where I beached it up almost every weekend and surfed. I got to see both coasts and everything in between in a matter of 3 weeks talking and consulting for my job. I was making money and spending money. I met douchebags and millionaires that I never thought I would ever meet. I had my heart broken, confused, brought back to life, and then broken all again.
Then came September as I was about to end the month with my last Nationwide tour presentation and once again my UC started to rear its ugly head. One more time to the hospital. I was there for one week on a liquid diet. I quit my new job to refocus on myself. A Colorful Mind kept me focused on not giving up. That Colorful Mind also finally met my family and all of them from my mothers to fathers side (ah!). All my friends from BK to the Boogie Down and heck even Jersey came to see me while I was laid up in there. With my family and friends I have a great support system and know that my life is worth living.
BUT because you (yes I'm talking to myself) are so damn stubborn sometimes let me remind you in case you forgot.
2000 Senior Retreat Polancas: To my dearest Ryan, It is so hard for me to start writing this letter because I do not know where to begin. Well I guess the first thing I want to tell you is to congratulate you. You are now in your senior year and a year from now you will already be in college. It seems just yesterday when you first started school in Pre K at St. Mary's Nativity School and you won't let us leave you in school. You felt so scared and insecure but as days past you felt more and more secure and had self-confidence. Like what your teacher said she saw you got out of the shell. From that time on and up to now I can't believe all the great accomplishments you have done. I know these are just eh beginning for you and you will have more and will have a great future coming ahead of you. Forgive me if I have not said it in so many words that I am so proud of you. And I really do mean it. I know you think I am only after you getting high grades in school, because I constantly tell you to study and to make sure that all your homework is complete. I did that because I love you and I do not want you to regret later. Now you see the fruit of all the heard work you have done. But as you know this is just the beginning. Next year you will be in college and it is time for you to have to make a hard decision of what you really want to do. Well just remember whatever decision you choose to do we will always be behind you and have our full support. We are so busy, excited, happy preparing for your college application but when it is time for you to leave for college I really do not know what to do. You and your sister have brought joy to our life. Ryan my dear son, as I always say please do take care of yourself especially when you are ready to leave on your own. Another thing please never forget to pray and thank GOD for all the blessing HE has given you and your family.
Love always, Mom
Dr. Ramon M. _______, MD
September 24, 2000
To my Son Ryan,
It is hard to realize that time has gone so fast. Senior year is here and college is not that far. It will be time for you to make hard decisions. As you have always made it clear to us you have to make it your own and you would not need our help. I guess you have done that since you were small. You made your own choices and there was no way we could change it.
You are your own man now and I guess it has to be this way. I would just want you to know that we are always here when ever you need us or need our help. We stand behind you in every way and in any situation no matter how critical they may be.
Just as we have spent so many happy moment, I know we will share more as you leave to go to College. We know you will do what is best and we have full confidence in you. The basic lessons you have learned from us and from school assure us that you will find success in anything you do.
You have been a joy to us and I would confess I will be in tears when you leave us. My son Ryan, do take care of yourself.
Your Dad
Thanks Mom & Dad. I must have forgotten but I know now that no matter what I do with my life I have you both to lean on. I'm ready to be everything you both know I can achieve.
Welcome to another new mini-series installment in my Blog.
It was first grade when I first met Stephanie. She was the smallest girl in class and I was the smallest boy in class. She had big thick glasses, big ears (sorry but hey you grew into them!). She wore her hair one way everyday. A little french braided pony tail that landed a little past the middle of her tiny back. She pulled it altogether with this hair piece that I always stared at. It had a tiny little Asian doll in the centerpiece with a butterfly in the background.
As I sat behind her everyday in class I always caught myself daydreaming staring into this hair piece. I never really knew why but every time she would turn around to pass me something the teacher was distributing she always caught me in a daze.
But I was in the first grade and I didn't even know what these feelings were about. Fast forward to the Fourth Grade. I decided to step up! We were on the second floor of the school building and began to change class rooms with the upper classes. (4-8th graders switch class and have different teachers for each class room). This was the first time I would walk the halls and see all my older cousins so I felt like a big man on campus! If I was going to tell Steph how I felt I was going to tell her this year!
......
Lets jump a lifetime back to the present. 1st grade was a LONG time ago for me. But I always remembered my first time seeing Steph. I don't recall though how we even got to the point where we were Rye & Steph for a good portion of our early lives. Then one day in 2009 I met up with Steph before she embarked on a new journey in life. She came with an envelope that simply said "Rye..." She told me to look at them when she left and so I waited till we said goodbye that night.
I opened up this bulky envelope and saw all these photos of us when we were kids and a bunch of folded up little pieces of papers. I opened up one and saw "To Steph..."
They were all my notes to her that I use to pass when we were in school together! Ironically she hit me up via text as I opened the first letter and said..."I hope you like your present. I wanted you to have these to remember us. I kept all the ones I wanted to keep :). Love you see you soon."
So here's how Rye Met Steph...(written verbatim)
10/26/1993 To Steph
If your wondering if I like you the answer is yes. I liked you ever since the first grade, I guess I kept it a secret till the forth (Editors note: I misspelled fourth) grade I think. The reason why I like is your sweet (bad grammar), nice, kind, funny & really cute, your also pretty. I got all my stuff for my costume I just don't have the mask. Does any one know about you & me, if so please tell me. (scratched out "Are you going as the same") Paul thinks I'm weird because I like you, what's his promblem (yea..I was a terrible speller) with you. My little cousin is going to be a white cat fo Halloween. Oh well I guess this is the part of the letter where you say good-bye. So goodbye =)
Ryan B =)
PS. This is how you write my last name, "______" Please write back.
I had a particular interesting and rather heavy conversation this morning that started with "are you wearing purple?"
If you did not know, Oct 20, 2010 is wear purple day in honor of the recent suicide deaths of the young LGBT kids in the recent months. Purple symbolizes spirit on the LBGT flag. This notion of wearing purple today is to remind people that love...no matter the form...is greater than hate.
Due to the homophobic abuse these kids were so distraught over their lives they decided to end it. Nothing in this world is more sacred than your life. Nothing is more precious than what you bring to this world just by existing and so yes I believe in this cause. I did wear purple today.
But wearing purple is not what I'm talking about today. See the conversation started out with if I'm wearing something purple but the conversation went deeper than that. I understand I over think sometimes (prob the biggest understatement ever but HUSH). I also realize that topics on politics, social issues, and religion are generally not great topics to discuss with people because everyone has their own opinion.
I actually enjoy having these conversations simply because I love to hear opposing views. The problem is that my peers are generally....hmmm how should I say this nicely...not open? Fuck it...they are ignorant. Passionately ignorant though so I must give them credit. I think I can only talk to one individual about everything and even she won't talk to me about religion ha.
It's not so much that I care to talk about these things but I like to stimulate my brain and have deep conversations besides the "whats up how was your night/weekend/etc?" Unfortunately I don't talk about them because quite frankly no one really understands me. If we even share a common result I bet you that our process in how we got to that conclusion would differ and thus still cause us to debate. But you know what? Silence is boring. I don't think you have to agree with me. Hell I don't expect you to. What I hate is when people are so close minded they don't even take the other persons perspective into consideration.
I generally detach myself from my emotions when I discuss about certain topics. I like to do my research and learn as much as I can on issues in order to come up with my educated thoughts and opinions on the matter. What I would like to hear from others is maybe something I didn't know and let me find another way to see it. Problem is when I see your emotionally attached I sense a bit of biased and therefore I feel (again just my opinion) that it negates your argument.
(Editors note: this is where people will be offended) I'm not trying to be an asshole I swear but the majority of my friends are too stereotypical minority brainwashed. Everything becomes race...and everything becomes "I'm doing this for my people." So naturally anything that comes up with the slightest tinge of majority vs minority or race issues they always side with their people. Which hey, is what it is...nothing wrong with supporting your people. Where I'm offended is when they expect me to join their side. And if I don't then it's all of a sudden a crime and now I'm the proverbial Uncle Tom. Sorry guys...(Editors note: just an example)just cause some colored man was shot by white cops accidentally doesn't mean I'm going to say die pigs die and swear off all cops. I've had my fair share of run in's with the law where I've been treated unfairly but I also have cops in my family and know a lot of good white cops so it's not so cut and dry. Do I agree with what happened? Hell no! But I also cannot just start an anti white cop campaign.
I cannot blame nor ostracize a particular group because of the actions of a small group of individuals. Isn't that the very being of racism? Oh and let me just say this...there is no such thing as reverse racism. It's just racism pure and simple. Sadly, thoughts and actions are brought out by way of your environment and what you have been expose to all your life. And I know my friends just haven't exactly had the best situations put forth in front of them nor did they have the luxury of seeing all the cultures and things outside their "hood" so they go with what they know.
But I tell ya...there's these things that are out these days....they are called books...the internet..newspapers...all fun stuff that if you read through them you can educate yourself beyond your environment.
My other issue is supporting causes. I have certain things in my life that has affected me one way or another to be fully vested (emotionally and physically) to particular causes. I also like to think I have a pretty decent heart so more often than not I generally would do any type of charitable work that is for a good cause. Now because of that all my save the world friends expect me to bandwagon onto every cause out there. Again like I said even if we share the same conclusion doesn't mean we arrived to that point the same way. This is very important because it's what helps me separate what I stand behind and what I just support.
Just to clarify in my view, standing behind something is being a firm believer in the cause and wanting to help and push it to greater things. For support that would be similar to wanting to end world hunger and homelessness. Sure I want those to end but I'm not actively trying to figure out how to keep homeless people off the streets or be able to give food to every one in the world.
I don't name names but, I have a friend who literally signs up for every type of cause out there. Save the trees, whales, eagles, the closing of the old stamp house...... Support gays they are treated unfairly....Stop using the term midget it's not politically correct. All the while posting on twitter, fb, all these fun little notions. Again, not trying to be an asshole but while I commend your actions and wanting to save everyone and their mother...I honestly don't care enough for every cause. I can give two rats asses about whales and eagles or old buildings that I never even cared to go into. Does it really make me that bad of a person because I simply do not care enough to join your crusade?
I'll give you another example. We all know Haiti was hit hard this past year and everyone worldwide openly reached out to help. It was a beautiful sight to see humanity come together to help those during this unfortunate disaster. This personally affected me too because some of my best friends are from Haiti. So I, like many other people donated and went to benefits/happy hours for Haiti relief.
Then one individual decided to throw a happy hour as a means to show her ability to "raise awareness" and prove that she can put something together in the eyes of her peers. Nothing about what she did was for Haiti. It was all self orchestrated for her own benefits. The cause was a timely excuse and to me that pissed me off. I don't care if the end result was people donated and you were able to "help the cause." It should have been pure from the start if you wanted to really help. So naturally I boycotted this event despite the end game.
I know...I'm a handful. This probably doesn't help my cause to get more people to talk to me about things ha. But to me things aren't so black and white. I wish it was as cut and dry as that but I just see things through too many perspectives to just automatically side with you because of xyz. You can take it how you want but that's just me.
Silence is boring...so if you want to talk let me know. Maybe we can view things through my purple colored shades.
A couple of weeks ago there was this Comic Con in NYC. Big day for all the comic "geeks" out there to meet the almighty Stan Lee. I don't have too many comic geek friends around me with the exception of one little lady. And while I don't necessarily call myself a comic geek in today's standards (simply because I don't really know anything current going on with comics) I am still a big comic book enthusiast.
I grew up collecting comic cards at first with my cousin Katherine. She use to take me to Mike's Comic book shop on Northern Blvd every Tues/Weds to get the latest issues and trading cards. I had a binder with plastic little slots for all my Marvel Superhero's. It was actually my first true hobby in life. The cards spun onto collecting comics and getting lost in the world of fantasy. I wasn't a big DC guy (Batman, Superman for all you non comic followers) but I definitely knew of their history. I was more a Marvel Guy and loved all the characters they had from X-Men, to The Avengers, Thor, Captain America, and most of all Spider-Man.
As a kid I spent evvvvery penny I had to buy my comic books. My collection was pretty thorough. Sadly I don't know if they are in great condition as they have been locked away in my parents garage for storage since before I left high school. Maybe I'll go pick it out and relive some of my past stories.
Comics were an escape for me as a kid. I grew a very special correlation to Spider-Man. Skinny little boy from Queens raised by his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Classic nerd in school picked on by bullies because he wasn't as big or as popular. However despite all the angst of childhood adolescents he still managed to be himself and get the girl next door (who just so happens to be smooooking ha). Oh yea and he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes this super hero that sometimes get's in the way of his normal life...great stuff.
Point is that as an adult I still myself clinging onto these great fantasy worlds. I get excited when a Comic movie comes out. I try and see how true they are to the stories I read as a kid. I get upset when they don't follow it to a tee. I mentioned as a kid I was really into Spider-Man (still am) but as an adult I find myself more linked to Superman. Ironically enough a lot of my friends and family (not always in a good way) refer me to Superman. I always thought as a kid he was actually pretty lame because he was too powerful. I know he has Kryptonite but for the most part homey was invincible and nothing seemed too hard on the guy. I guess as a kid I couldn't relate to that so I was turned off by his cookie cutter mold.
However there is this show called Smallville that I have watched for the last 10 seasons (shhhhh). It tells the story of Clark Kent (I do hope you know who I am talking about) and how he turns into the legend we all know as Superman. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a comic fan but this series is awesome. Going into it's final 10th season it has stayed true (for the most part) to telling the story of Clark and not Superman. That meant no flying, no cape, and no reference to the name Superman.
This season is slightly different since it's the series finale. It's bringing everything full circle in order to lead up to that whole cape and flying Superman we all know today. This last episode really stood out for me as one of the best ones I saw. It was the turning point for Clark to realize his destiny to be the hero that we all know he will be. After watching this episode and the 9 seasons prior I realized that Superman did NOT have it that easy. That he struggled to balance this God like ability among humans which in turn made him all that more human.
I mentioned that those close to me sometimes refer me to Superman...or that I try too hard to be everything to everyone at all times. That is by default one of my many "downfalls." Not that it's so bad but I think it's taken its toll on me. I try to do everything the right way and be there for everyone without any thought or regard to my own. And by no means do I think that I regret anything or even would change it if I could. No everything I am today is because of what I have experienced in the past, right or wrong.
There was so many great things from this homecoming/flashback episode that I could relate to.
1) Embracing your fate: Brainiac 5: Why won't you forgive yourself? Clark: He didn't have a choice. He's my father, of course he'd sacrifice anything to protect me. Brainiac 5: We always have a choice, Kal-El. Your father didn't have to care for you the way he did. Yet still he made that choice every day he was with you. He chose to be your protector. Just as you've chosen to be the Earth's protector. Nobody forced that on you, yet you embraced it. Nobody made that choice for you. We all chose our own fate.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have put the burden of my family onto my shoulders. I worry about not being able to live up to their expectations as a man to provide. Yet I know that they don't put this on me. It is I who chose to take this responsibility and I who embraces it. Knowing this now though I realize that it is up to me to decide on what I want to do with my life and how I see fit.
2) Perfection:
Brainiac 5: The darkness is the past. And you hold onto it and you dwell. You punish yourself and everyone around you for past mistakes. Clark: I don't have the privilege of mistakes. Even if we don't expect perfection, the rest of the world does. You heard what they said. Brainiac 5: Then help Oliver be who he can be. Today, tomorrow. Be there for him now, and stop punishing him for his past with your silence and your distance. Let it go.
This is a double edged sword for me. For one I strive for perfection because I felt like everyone around me expects it. And much like the dialogue I too hold onto my past mistakes in order not to go through them again. This is when it comes to anything, love, life choices, career choices. I guarded myself from these mistakes and only hurt myself and others in the process because I never let anyone in. As for the second part in which Brainiac is telling Clark to be Oliver's friend I can relate to that. When things don't go my way or I feel a certain disconnect in how my friends go about their life I tend to cut them off. I don't do anything but keep my distance. I never realized how doing that only hurt myself in the process.
3) Lois Lane or Lana Lang Maddy: Wait. So, you're not hitched to Clark? Lois: Not exactly. Maddy: Are you engaged? Lois: No. Maddy: Oh. How long have you been seeing each other? Lois: Well, we're... not, really. Right now. Maddy: So, you're the moth, not the flame.
This is every comic boy geeks thing....THE GIRL! For Spider-Man/Peter Parker it was Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy. Jean Grey even had Wolverine or Cyclops. And Superman had Lana and Lois. The reality of finding your true love is always something that any person can relate to. In life you come across great people who at the time you may think is THE ONE but until your last day you never know who was the one. In comics it's pretty spelled out for you so it takes that air of mystery out.
In this scene it's funny because Lana Lang was Clark's first true love and Lois hasn't been revealed to be the one even though we all know that Lois and Clark are meant to be. As cheesy as it may seem I feel like I've met my Lana...I just need to find my Lois. Or maybe I already have and like this scene...she just doesn't know it yet. (Editors note: Lois is totally the flame ha) 4) Hero
TV Reporter: I think our audience would like some answers. Oliver: I lost someone. She meant everything to me. TV Reporter: So, for that you want, what, a merit badge and special rights? Oliver: No. No, you're right, I'm not special. This isn't about who I am, it's about what I do. And--and I don't think I'm the first rich boy who felt that way. It was John F. Kennedy who once said, "Ask not who what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." TV Reporter: So now you're comparing yourself to a fallen hero of this country? Oliver: Well, why not? He saw the hero in all of us. I'm not dwelling on revenge for past atrocities, or looking ahead to what I can gain from a few tax breaks. Drilling oil wells in the ocean, putting up razor wire fences to keep out immigrants who only want what our grandparents wanted. In this world of armchair bloggers who created a generation of critics instead of leaders, I'm actually doing something. Right here, right now, for the city. For my country. And I'm not doing it alone. You're damned right I'm a hero.
I love the last lines. I firmly believe that there are too many talkers out there in this world. Too many people speaking their minds and not doing anything to back it up. I'm not much of a talker (despite this blog). I don't like tooting my own horn and expecting a parade for my accolades. I just want to do. And I want to do right. I need to embrace the fact that I am everything that I know I can be. I am a leader. It's proven and its a fact that in every situation I take that role. I'm not going to shy away from it because I'm afraid of what others think. And instead of feeling like my abilities will overshadow others I'm going to inspire people to do the same. To challenge me to be a better person so that I'm not alone in leaving my mark on this world.
Clark: I guess you're right. I've been so buried by the mistakes of my past, so worried about the responsibilities of the future, I lost sight of the present. Brainiac 5: A hero is made in the moment. Not from questioning the past or fearing what's to come.
Too many Urkel's on your team that's why your Wins-LOW!
[Kanye West] Uh, Good music, this our year backing drums by DJ Premier now let me count it down, who the f-ck up in here Common, Don, Old G, battle rap, oh that n-ggas know you can’t really f-ck with that Pusha T, the Clipse just made a classic Good music together we too Jurassic, you stay plastic
Ramadan with the flow, guaranteed everyone fasting Big Sean is a don Cyhi da Prince why you so nervous dog stop being tense if you aint talking bout Rash we aint got nothing in common f-ck that and thats just common sense what the
[Pusha T] Came in the game, 8 years prior 8 years later, your mans on fire My Book of Eli, to all my subscribers play the two doors, street car named desire came in Grindin’, Ye’ came throught the wire but at the crossroads, Bone thugs inspired 1st of the month, Trump to the buyers rent too paid on the coupe you been fired smooth criminal, no prior’s man in the mirror, check no liar still like that butterfly like Mariah show me the money the black Jerry MaGuire Tom Cruise on that couch if that money right West Hollywood feels like a bunny night with GOOD company and better jewelers to the Good Life, we GOOD music
[Big Sean] Man, I wake up to a wet dream every day’s a Friday and every nights a sex scene every week is fashion week and every day I’m pressed clean Detroit’s Angel, I even got red wings I’m headed to the ball, me and three prom queens my life’s prom night and guess who’s the Prom King they having a kissing fight and I’m Don King everybody know I’m coming soon like LeBron’s ring I’m Big L, Notorious, Big Pun, Shawn Carter, Sean Combs and Connery all in one whoever told you sky’s the limit is looking dumb cause I’m 22 and I’m moonwalking on the sun oh thats your girl she feelin on my water right next to a couple boaters and she tryna motor boat her and im coming from the w-w-westside of the Motor you might find banana clips ’cause it’s Guerilla warfare last year I was watching this from the couch and now I’m here thats to let you know what I’m about reaper black suit cuz my whole team’s killing had to keep setting trends cuz your whole team stealin many tell me I’m the man I aint made it yet tell me who the baddest, I’ll see if i see them naked yet won’t stop til I get that Mercedes 700 CLK and Mercedes aint made it yet
[Cyhi Da Prince] I’m Mr Got bread like Quizno’s better known as MJ with the big nose I swear your artist couldn’t see me on his tip toes only on TV I gotta take a quick pose let me stop I forgot this was a big show and being dope made you broke I aint piss poor I’m big poppa plus I’m 2pacalypto my mind is a weapon what I need to pop a clip for huh, I’m doing this for hip hop Im coming after you, him and his spot still tied to the streets like a ish knot aint nothing fake, I’m not a Rolly with a tick tock Atlanta repper in the home of the yankees Rose wood suit on with the hanky I got rich from the zones of the stanky so everybody know my money long, lanky! so I’m flexible stretching out my decimel’s switching up the flow got the crowd going testicles can’t bleep it out cuz there wasn’t nothing sexual I’m blowing loud, somebody check the decibels I’m impeccable they put me on the pedestal and if you bite me, it’s good for you like a vegatable shows by the several, schedule full of festivals and if I ever do time than you know its federal uh, incredible, yeah
[Common] F-f-fam fam fam I’ma monster too you don’t see I do things that the monsters do the incomparable, remarkable, articles about my audio technique, my technique I recognise games like the ESPY’s cold to myself I say God Bless me the truth so I speak live and directly you, I will set free my mic is where my check be rah, I echo, I echo, I echo, the sounds of the ghetto, future of the retro prolly in the metro just so I can get dough the name is Common but the frame is special leave requested from the years I’ve invested arrested, develop, addressed it, envelope the body of the black party from Farley to Bob Marley go home or go hard, at home is life hardly
[Kanye West] the plan was to drink till the pain over what’s worse, the pain or the hangover? fresh air rolling down the window too many urkels on your team thats why your Winslow I sold my soul to the devil thats a crappy deal least it came with a few toys like a happy meal this game you could never win cause they love you then they hate you then they love you again get away from me loniless get away from me misery get away from me fake sh-t, I can’t take the phoniness get away from me wack tracks I can only make only hits I’m an only child lost in the World where did the lonely kids go when the bell ring feeling like hell rings bringing me back down checking my background its ironic whats happening imagine if I didn’t have the ends I would’nt have so many imaginary friends I’m spaced out Dog, I be on that Moon talk wonder if God ask Mike how to moon walk I swear to momma wish me and my father talk more Thats that vision around the time I was a sophmore I guess everything I hate about me I see in him and I aint finna change, so we’ll never agree again just a few things pouring out my soul Rosewood we could se her with our eyes closed
When people describe this young man he is often described as a man of few words but with an open heart. His actions generally do the talking and his ability to show his honesty through his body of work has always shined. On the brink of success has been the tidal wave in which he always rode on. Pushing forward without looking back and through it all no one ever saw the dark holes and deprived attention he admittedly felt he should have had.
A somewhat volatile year(s) for a man struggling with inner peace and enough war inside of him to send him to the deep end. Now through all the trials and tribulations he is setting forth to reclaim a life he not only wants but he rightfully deserves.
Your a bit of a conundrum if I must say so myself. You tend to say your this or that and then go out and speak out against the very thing you claim you are. What is that?
Ha. Way to get this started. Yea I know that sounds like I'm a hypocrite. And honestly I'll admit I am. I like to speak my mind. I speak my mind better when I remove myself from the situation as opposed to being in the situation. It gives me a better sense of clarity. So often what I do for myself is not always the best thing for everyone else. I only know how to live my life the way I see it. And I don't know how to tell someone else to live theirs. I get paranoid at the responsibility of always living up to everyone's expectations. To be the best whatever...son, brother, cousin, friend, lover, employee, role model, its a trip to play all those parts to a tee! So when I do things I only know that I do it for me and hope it works but when someone asks for my opinion or looks to me like I'm a role model I'm like whoa whoa whoa. Hold up....lets not put me on any type of hot shit pedestal.
And speaking your mind...well that hasn't always been a good or necessarily a bad thing has it?
Not at all. Look I know I'm a calculated motherfucker. The shit I'm saying now is calculated but I am being honest as well. It's up to you to decide on what you want to take from this. When I say how I feel I say it because I'm passionate about it. But I also know that sometimes people aren't always going to agree with me and that's ok. I honestly don't care if 98% of the world says I'm an asshole because of what I say. I got a solid 2% of people that know I've been eating humble pie all my life and that trumps the rest of the world.
So then tell me why do you get so upset about all those people who are always "speaking their mind and keeping it real"
That keeping it real phrase is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I seriously think its a cop out phrase that allows idiots and too quick tounged individuals to just say whatever the fuck they want and stamp it with a "I'm just keeping it real" as to justify their words. I told you I'm a calculated individual. Words have a lot of meaning. America is built on the freedom of speech but we are probably one of the strictest nations in censorship compared to other countries. And the problem is people just like to talk with no sense of responsibility. They say shit without thinking about the consequences of their words. Look at the tragedies in the last several years with bullying and hate. People go out and just kill themselves or harm others and its fucked up. But that's the big picture. That shit needs to stop without a doubt. I think what you are trying to get at are the people that I surround myself in. Well yea those fuckers just love to talk for the sake of talking. I don't get into it so I just ignore their lame ass. But I will say this...there's a difference between "keeping it real" and being two seconds shy of a slap across your face.
You have a history of anger management issues correct.
Did I not just threaten someone? Ha. Yes. Yes I do.
Want to expand more on it?
Not really. Only because I don't know why I have them.
You mentioned that it is the one aspect about yourself that terrifies you the most.
Sure it does. Because I have no control over it. First and foremost let me just say I have never ever ever ever hit a woman. My anger issues are internal. The way they manifest goes back to what I said earlier about words. That's why I'm calculated. Because I have a very difficult time holding back on how I feel. And I've hurt a lot of people in my life through my words. Sometimes the words did translate into physical violence. I would get into fights, punch back, start shit and that's when people started to say "hey man you need to take control of this." I was a reckless kid. Growing up I was always the small dude in the class so maybe I had this complex where I felt the need to prove something of myself to the others because I wasn't as tall or built like them.
And so you went through anger management..
Twice. Once in high school because I was going through dumbass shit over a girl ha. And again in college due to a misdemeanor. But did that... and my record is as clean as a whistle!
Yet you still struggle with that concept.
I struggle with control. Control is a dangerous feeling. It's almost an addiction. I grew up with no control. Over my health, over my decisions and over everyone in my family because I was one of the youngest ones. Then one day I got control over my health. I started being self reliant and it felt like for the first time I was alive. It changed everything for me. I started to associate control with living. So long as I had control I was living the life I wanted and that's all that mattered. Problem was that I can't control everything in life. And it's only recently now that I've come to learn that and make necessary changes in order to live a better life.
And that brings us to where you are today. It seems like in the last three years you haven't been in control. You have had multiple hospital stints, rare public outbursts, seclusion, hidden affairs, insomnia, a possible medication dependency and even rumors of a depression.
The End of Summer is always bittersweet for me. I love the fall (maybe cuz I was born in this season) but I get sad with the "end". I am about to confess something. I have had a summer love affair for several years. Its a very seasonal relationship. I drive to visit in April to see her beauty shaping up for the summer. I prep it all out to see her new surroundings for when I come to see her.
And I must confess besides my family no one ever knew her except me for the longest time. I kept her a secret to the world around me because she was just too beautiful and pure. I did not want to share it. But as we grew up and life started to push us into other directions I realized that my secret wouldn't be much of a secret too long.
So eventually she met my closest friends. My boys met her and I knew from the start they too would come to find out the beauty I saw in her. Instantly they were hooked and it felt great to be able to share her with more people in my world.
The love affair would continue to blossom over time. I never disrespected her but we always knew that summertime would end and so our relationship must end as well. Distance and the cold just don't mix for us although we did try to make it work.
Its funny that up until these last recent years I was always somehow single in the summertime to rekindle our relationship and explore it so honestly with no trappings or faults of the place I leave behind when I saw her. But I noticed that as years went by she matured and more people started to recognize her and what was my secret was eventually going to be exposed.
I took it in stride and I remember bringing an end to that summer knowing the next and sequential summers would no longer just be us. It was 06 and I had a gf at the time. I didn't bring her around to see my summer love till the summer was over. But she was great and showed my gf all the wonderful things about herself that I see, much like she did for my boys. And so my gf came the next two years afterwards and life really started to come between me and my summer love. That's when things started to change.
See she has always been my outlet from the world which is why I never wanted to bring my world to her. Only to a select few and even those individuals I didn't want them to fully know her. There was always one person though in my life that I wanted her to meet. A kindred soul of mine that I felt could give my friend the escape I got when being with her. Then one day last year that day came. And man what a wirldwind of change life has been.
This summer I shared my summer love affair with my world. We spent countless weekends and long holidays together. I saw new things and experienced new feelings for you all with company. And it felt good....amazingly good. For all the storms we weathered through. The starlight gazing and sunsets. The fire pits and dancing at the spot. The local bands we would share and listen to along with endless wandering. Learning how to surf and allowing the genesis of love from others to spur. Yes there was some heartache but my summer love will always be my outlet, my haven and I will miss you till we see each other again.
A friend of mine who actually inspired me to get into this blog world after many failed attempts of trying to get me hooked on internet social places brought up a point to me. I am too private to really cater to this world yet hypocritical enough to not want to sit on the sideline and not be apart of it. So I join. I get into things and then I lose passion in it till I can find change. I don't really think I'm a blogger. I find myself just typing shit out and seeing how it sticks. She said that I blog the way she used to blog. Meaning it was only when major things were going on that she would write. Too emotional. She said you know what changed me? I said no what? And she replied you!
Naturally that got me thinking. I have a world of talent and an ability to (good or bad) influence folks. Don't believe me just ask her ha. My problem is that for all my attributes I downplay them because I'm scared. I'm scared of what I can do and scared of knowing I can attain anything in this life. Because what if I fail? I'm scared to admit when I know I am right. I'm scared to admit that I can tell my friends to reach for the heavens and push them to better themselves but I can't tell myself that. Because what if I fail? I have lived my life on sacrifices for others. My friends and family members alike. I find my happiness in their success and joy. I admit I don't reflect enough on my own but I push myself to get to where I am today. I did everything by the book.
Went to school...graduated....college....graduated....internships to get ahead....job right out of school..worked up the ranks FAST...saved...bought a place I can call home. Not bad for a 20 something kid out of Queens huh? Only problem is that while some see that as success I see it as a path to someone else's dreams. I did it all for others and I'm here literally bleeding out my life just to regain sense of what makes me live.
See nothing about what I did was about me to the core. I did what people EXPECTED of me to do. I am the other prodigal son. All the titles and awards I ranked up. The high salary and praise at an early age means nothing to me as I feel empty inside.
Life is not measured on success and failure. I think its made up of life choices and how you define yourself in those choices, good bad or indifferent is what makes life worth living. Failure means trying. If you are too scared to try you will never live. And I? Want to live. I want to be happy. And I will do that selfishly because if failure is to living well then I am not afraid to fail.
I hope you can see it in me. I want to live The Good Life.
Simplemente no lo entiendo ¿Por qué huyes de un hombre bueno, nena ¿Por qué quieres dar la espalda en el amor ¿Por qué usted ya ha renunciado a Ver Sé que usted ha sido lastimado antes Pero te juro que voy a dar mucho más Juro que nunca te fallaré Porque te juro que te adoro Y no puedo ayudarme a mí mismo, nena Porque yo pienso en ti constantemente Y mi corazón no consigue ningún resto más de usted, usted, sí
Puedes llamarme egoísta Pero todo lo que quiero es tu amor Puedes llamarme desesperado, bebé Porque yo estoy perdidamente enamorado Puedes llamarme imperfecto Pero, ¿quién es perfecto? Dime, ¿qué tengo que hacer Para demostrar que soy el único para ti ¿Qué tiene de malo ser egoístas
Voy a estar ocupando su tiempo Hasta el día en que te das cuenta de que Que para ti no podía haber nadie más Acabo de conseguir que usted tiene para mí Baby I tendría buen cuidado de usted No importa lo que es pasar por su Voy a estar allí para usted cuando usted está en necesidad Bebé de creer en mí Porque si el amor es un crimen sí Entonces me castigue Yo moriría por ti Porque yo no quiero vivir sin ti ¿Qué puedo hacer, oh
Puedes llamarme egoísta Pero todo lo que quiero es tu amor Puedes llamarme bebé sin esperanza Porque yo estoy perdidamente enamorado Puedes llamarme imperfecto Pero, ¿quién es perfecto Dime, ¿qué tengo que hacer Para demostrar que soy el único para ti ¿Qué tiene de malo ser egoístas
¿Por qué nos separe ¿Por qué no le dará su corazón Usted sabe que fueron hechos para estar juntos
¿Por qué me rechazas Todo lo que quiero es darte amor Por siempre y siempre y siempre
Puedes llamarme egoísta Pero todo lo que quiero es tu amor Puedes llamarme bebé sin esperanza Porque yo estoy perdidamente enamorado Puedes llamarme imperfecto Pero, ¿quién es perfecto Dime, ¿qué tengo que hacer Para demostrar que soy el único para ti ¿Qué tiene de malo ser egoístas
Egoístamente estoy enamorado de ti Porque he buscado mi alma Y sé que es verdad
Egoístamente estoy enamorado de ti Porque he buscado mi alma Y sé que eres tú
Egoístamente estoy enamorado de ti Porque he buscado mi alma Y sé que eres tú
Para demostrar que soy el único para ti ¿Qué tiene de malo ser egoístas egoístas egoístas Entonces, ¿qué tiene de malo ser egoístas
I took a page out of my diary to write an open letter to my soul...my beautiful soul.
If I told you I wanted to talk to you I think people... you know... would think its kind of funny. I mean we one in the same right? For better or for worse you spelled it out to me we in this together forever. And we both know we've been through our ups and our downs this year. Wish we didn't have any downs but that's just not how life works is it? Ha, ain't that funny....I'm wishing. Something I said I don't normally believe in. Guess you really are starting to make me into a better man. And why wouldn't you. I mean you know me better than I know myself. You know me better than any girlfriend I ever had. Any friend or family member I have because you simply see all that is me. The good, the bad, the strong, but most importantly the weaknesses, the insecurities and the fears and doubts I hide from others. You are exposed to all of that. No walls. No barriers. Just me. All of me.
And on the flip side you have been the courage for me to make tough decisions. The support when I doubted myself. The ever constant fan in the stands cheering me on. The believer in my abilities to take them to places I can't see. You do all that with such flare. A Southern hospitality take on life that only the biggest city in the world can contain.
But lately I feel even the biggest city in the world may not contain you. And you are too big for even me to selfishly keep. But before you leave can you please hear me out?
I guess I never got the chance to really express myself the way I wanted to. Yes we had our moments where I tried to lay it all out there for you. Sometimes your approach on life to write feelings down really is the best way. I just wanted to be raw with my emotions and let you see the love and the pain. For all the things you do for me I hope I could return it 10 fold. You are a part of me as I am to you so we unfortunately share the same habits and pride to "fix everything;" to "be the solid rock" for our loved ones; to show no weaknesses.
For making me realize what LIFE is all about. For showing me what LIFE should be all about. For giving me a LIFE worth living. I love you. I'm in love with you. I love even your mere presence in my life. But you had a life before mine ever intertwined with you and I realize your love for me is not the same. I understand you brought all that to others before me. And the past is something that is still relevant to the present. Ironically I feel like I'm in a race against the past but I'm the one who is a couple steps behind. And so I sit here and try to figure out what I can do to make you my past present and future?
See all I want is to be relevant. Just tell me that I ever meant anything more. That you could see past just the physical. See me in a different light in the brightest of all rooms. To stand out amongst the crowd and shine light on even your dark days.
I need you to live yet you can bring life to someone else. And I feel you slipping away with every breath that I take. Make another man feel all the things I already feel. To fill the void that I can't fill. Not that I can't but you won't let me fill. And regardless of the allegiance to me or not, my love, my soul, you gon' shine anyway. But I'd like to be the right allegiance to you. To tell you there's no one other than me that can complete you. Yet I never want to cloud my intentions to be, with intentions to impress hoping it could materialize into something else.
I just want to channel my feelings the way you do to me to know that I could have brought a better you. It's still a mystery how you see everything I am and not see past my physical. If I could I would steal your love and hope for a life sentence with no key to release. They say its better to have loved than not loved...but I never felt yours. So I'd rather lose love than move on. Because without you I'm just incomplete.
You smiled, you spoke and I believed, By every word and smile- deceived.
Another man would hope no more; Nor hope I- what I hoped before.
But let not this last wish be vain; Deceive, deceive me once again! -Walter Savage Landor
