RyE On What's The Story Morning Glory?

I'm writing this after a long day that followed a long week...that followed an even longer three weeks combined. I've been at the lowest of my lows and brought back to the highest of highs only to come back straight to the middle not knowing whether I should look up or down.

It's been crazy to say the least and I wish I could fully state all the things that's in my head accurately but I know I just can't. I'll probably ramble and make NO sense of what I'm trying to say.

So in no particular order I'm just going to try and say what is on my mind these last few weeks....

1. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I'm sorry that I left and ignored you. I'm sorry that we ever went through what I feel is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm sorry for putting you through this. And isn't it crazy that in a week it all seemed like a lifetime ago.....
2. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to escape my past. Old faces always seem to pop up. Some welcoming... others with trepidation. And then I think to myself when the last time I saw them and it has been years. Who I was when I last saw them I don't even recognize. And I wonder why am I so afraid to want to reconnect? What is it that bothers me to try and stay away from them..
3. I have come to the conclusion that I am one emotional head case. There was a time when you couldn't ever tell my emotions...well you probably could but I would never admit it. But in the last few years and especially in the last few months I've come to realize that I'm really sappy lol. I'm a cornball and get all emotional over the dumbest things. For example it was Mothers day and I spent it of course with my mother and her sisters (who are all mothers) and my Lola...the matriarch of all of them and I just broke down. I teared up watching my family and had to excuse myself.  I love my family. If there is one thing you should know about me is that they mean every.thing.to.me. And I will do anything for them. Which leads me to my next point....
4. I don't always reflect so much on what I want so much so that I tend to forget the things that I truly want out of life. I get wrapped up in making sure everyone else is happy and working towards what they want I lose my own goals. And then it was said to me...or written rather to me... and I realized that damn how have I not seen what was always in front of me. It may not be the hip thing to say or even some macho bravado thing to say but I could care less. I want a family of my own. I want a wife who will share my world with me. Who will be there for me through thick and thin and be the force behind me to want to be a better man. And I want to be the same for her. I want to start a family and have kids. I am a Tito, a Ninong and a Kuya but I want so badly to be a Father. And I know that someday I will but I wish I could just believe it now...
5. Call me stubborn but I find it funny how in time the things you once stood so adamantly for and against you realize it doesn't always last. Maybe it's my new role but coming into the business I have always been one to say I will never be close with the people I work with. To me it just didn't matter. I always felt like I have my core friends and that's cool. I'll be friendly with people from work but I could never allow them in. Fast forward almost 6 years later and I'm all about the peeps I work with. I mean I legit care about each and every one of them. I look out for them and want to make sure both professionally and personally that they are okay. I don't feel all that much older to them but they make me feel like a big brother to them. Affectionately they call me out as a "Daddy" and its crazy because that is the nickname I get from other groups of friends...
6. I guess you can't escape being who you are. I'm proud to be consistent and at least be honest and true to myself. It shows because no matter the groups of individuals I come across they treat me with respect and genuine feelings for me...
7. However I feel for those who are still trying to find themselves. Not that I fully know who I am yet...but I think that whoever I feel or state that I am... I stand by it with conviction and a purity to it. I don't think your ever too young or old to say you know 100% who you are. It's an ever constant evolution. The values of yourself may not change but they certainly will adapt and mature over time....
8. And so I worry about two of my best friends. One I worry about despite his inability to be honest with me. Despite his lack of concern for others than himself I still care about the kid. I wish he could find himself but only he can do that on his own. The other I worry about his insecurities. He's the type who has the world at his hands but doesn't believe in himself enough to seize it. I want the best for them....
9. Fast Five = Awesome; Thor = ehhhh........
10. I just really wanted to make it to ten :)