RyE On The Good Life

Please excuse me I am about to verbally vomit.

A friend of mine who actually inspired me to get into this blog world after many failed attempts of trying to get me hooked on internet social places brought up a point to me. I am too private to really cater to this world yet hypocritical enough to not want to sit on the sideline and not be apart of it. So I join. I get into things and then I lose passion in it till I can find change. I don't really think I'm a blogger. I find myself just typing shit out and seeing how it sticks. She said that I blog the way she used to blog. Meaning it was only when major things were going on that she would write. Too emotional. She said you know what changed me? I said no what? And she replied you!

Naturally that got me thinking. I have a world of talent and an ability to (good or bad) influence folks. Don't believe me just ask her ha. My problem is that for all my attributes I downplay them because I'm scared. I'm scared of what I can do and scared of knowing I can attain anything in this life. Because what if I fail? I'm scared to admit when I know I am right. I'm scared to admit that I can tell my friends to reach for the heavens and push them to better themselves but I can't tell myself that. Because what if I fail? I have lived my life on sacrifices for others. My friends and family members alike. I find my happiness in their success and joy. I admit I don't reflect enough on my own but I push myself to get to where I am today. I did everything by the book.

Went to school...graduated....college....graduated....internships to get ahead....job right out of school..worked up the ranks FAST...saved...bought a place I can call home. Not bad for a 20 something kid out of Queens huh? Only problem is that while some see that as success I see it as a path to someone else's dreams. I did it all for others and I'm here literally bleeding out my life just to regain sense of what makes me live.

See nothing about what I did was about me to the core. I did what people EXPECTED of me to do. I am the other prodigal son. All the titles and awards I ranked up. The high salary and praise at an early age means nothing to me as I feel empty inside.

Life is not measured on success and failure. I think its made up of life choices and how you define yourself in those choices, good bad or indifferent is what makes life worth living. Failure means trying. If you are too scared to try you will never live. And I? Want to live. I want to be happy. And I will do that selfishly because if failure is to living well then I am not afraid to fail.

I hope you can see it in me. I want to live The Good Life.