RyE On The Life and Times: Fact or Fiction

Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around. ~Frank A. Clark

What do you want to believe? To paraphrase Dolly Madison...one of the proudest things to me is to never desire someone else's business. I just happen to somehow always be in the thick of things. So why do you want to know about all that nonsense? It's all just rumors...

I just want to address these issues so we can move on.

Fine. Start over...what do you want to know.

Well you have been having a rough year haven't you.

Is that a question or a statement?

Alright alright fine.  Yes. 2010 hasn't exactly gone the way I anticipated it to be. 2009 was a rough year but 2010 was tough. I expected to be better in 2010 but it seemed like 2009's karma just spilled over.  It started out promising. I thought my health would sustain, I would get a new job and the girl that I never knew but was always there would be the answer to everything I looked for in a woman. Instead my health got worse...my job situation didn't work out the way I planned it...that's another conversation...and the girl....nothing happened.

That would explain your hospital visits this year.

Yea check my bills...I'm living that American Dream...overpriced health care and in debt. It's fucking fantastic.


Well it got pretty serious for you didn't it...

I had some family issues I was dealing with, I hated my job, and the girl I put all my trust in didn't feel the same way for me. I think all of that triggered things. Then I didn't get better. I got worse. And I was put on more medication. This lasted from March till the of June. For four months I tried to live like nothing was bothering me but I was slowly slowly dying.

I'll never forget the day I was supposed to be on a plane to Buffalo to be a Godfather for the fourth time. And not being able to get off the couch because I had lost so much blood. But if it wasn't for that kid I would probably be dead right now. I somehow mustered the strength to get there and actually stand through the whole baptism.

Came home and went straight to the hospital. They say for my condition it's best not to stress. Well when you see yourself bleeding out you tell me how you don't stress. And when your doctors don't know how to help you...you tell me where you find answers to.

So that's what lead you to seclusion and to your depression....

I think your jumping to conclusions. I secluded myself because I couldn't be around people. I was sick and I didn't want any of their help or their sympathy and most of all I didn't want them to worry about me. Depression can be mental but in my case it was a lack of chemicals in my system due to the loss of blood. I'm not going to sit here and say that I wasn't also going through enough bad shit all at one time for me to just lose all the positive attitude I had but I think it was more chemically driven.

Then something odd happened. When I was in the hospital in May I got a job offer that I went on an interview back early in April. Whatever type of depressed state I was in somehow got lifted a bit. The new drugs seemed to be working and I felt like I was back on the road to recovery.

However June was probably the worst of all the months correct?

Yes. I started a new job but my health did not recoup fully. The drugs did help but did not help me get over the hump. I don't normally even like taking drugs but now that I'm on them to live a "normal" life I guess it made me start to do things uncharacteristic. I started self medicating myself. I was also getting blood transfusions every weekend while I would work the week. I was too afraid to lose this job that I just got because I was afraid of going back to the job I hated. I needed to succeed. Failure was not an option for me. The problem was I started having real bad cases of insomnia. Granted my hours of sleeping were off since late Jan early Feb of the year but I was going through almost 48 hrs with only 1-2 hrs of sleep. Again I was worried about not having a good situation with my job so I started taking sleeping pills. And they worked wonders. Only problem was that I had to get up so early for my new job since the commute was farther and so I couldn't take these pills as much as I wanted to.

Again not having anyone to talk to I figured I just needed to control my health and I wouldn't be so stressed. So I started upping my dosage to know ones knowledge. I mixed too many pills together and actually ended up passing out on the way home from work.


At any point did you think that this was it?

......

Yes

It seems silly but the heart is a powerful thing. Not only did I lose the girl but I lost my most trusted individual in my life. And that whole time I was sick I felt she wasn't there for me. And while I went down she lived her life. And no one knew about us so there was nothing for me to tell anyone. Factor in I secluded myself from all my friends for not having the energy or strength to want to explain myself to them and the "depressed" state I was in. I knew what I was doing when I started to over prescribe my pills. But at the same time...I didn't really care. I looked at it like well...if I die I die. Best case scenario is the drugs will make me better. And they actually did. Even though it wasn't properly ordered this way I was able to work and stay "healthy" enough to get through the week without anyone knowing. But as my body adjusted so did my dosage. When the meds worked I felt normal but as soon as they wore off it felt like my insides were dying. And so I had to continue to overcompensate for it till everything faded to black.

It was the first time in my life that I was fine with just not caring enough to want to live. I wanted to be selfish. Deep down I wanted to die. I didn't care about the people I would leave. I didn't care about my family or friends. I just wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to live my life this way.


But that didn't happen. So what made you turn things around?

To be continued.